"So he betrayed you again?"

I made the appointment and was really looking forward to it. I saw it as my escape, the only thing that was standing in between me and my freedom from the hell of my marriage.

We went to the appointment in the same car, with Charlie driving. We did not talk. We did not even look at each other.

Charlie started to ask me questions about our relationship. I told him I was not interested in discussing it. He simply replied that he was just trying to get a handle on where my thoughts were. I told him that we would discuss it at our appointment with our counsellor.

When we pulled up Charlie went to the back seat of the car and pulled out an envelope from beneath the seat. I had no idea what it was, nor did I care.

We were greeted at the front door by Max, our counsellor. He is a funny little man, borderline eccentric I think is probably a little far fetched, but I can't quite find the right words to describe him.

He is exceptionally talented in psychology and both Charlie and I have alot of faith in him. Max is semi retired and works 2 half days a week. Your first appointment with Max is where he decides whether or not he wants to work with you. Initially he did not want to work with us because Charlie was not showing enough remorse in his eyes and did not see his wrong doings as such. But, in that same appointment Max had managed to reduce Charlie to tears and made him realise the severity of the issues at hand.

So we got down to business.

Max asked Charlie if what I had said on the phone when I made the appointment was true, that we had to attend another session so I could leave my marriage. Charlie said that he did say that but it was only partially true. Max stated "Well I am glad that that is not the case because I would have sent you out now."

Max also stated that last time he saw us I was in a similar state of distress, so he asked as to how I had managed to hold it together for so long if things had not changed.

Charlie told Max that things were going great since our last appointment and that he had moved back into our house and did not understand why we had gone off the rails and were back where we were.

Charlie told Max that one of the main problems was my belief that Charlie did not spend enough quality time with me. Charlie bent down and produced his folder and a typed list of things we had done together since the beginning of the new year. It was an extensive list and included lots of different places and activities that we had done together. Charlie offered me a copy which I declined.

Max took one, but before reading it clearly stated that if this was not the issue that I perceived as the problem then it did not hold any bearing. Max read it and commented on how extensive the list was.

He then asked me what my take on it was.

I told Max that one of the issues was that he did not spend time with me on a regular basis, but that it was not the main reason I wanted out of my marriage.

I told him about four days in February where Charlie had let me down and gave some examples of why I felt the way I did.

I told him about the phone call Charlie made from his mobile to his mother, despite our agreement that Charlie not call from his mobile, the one where he was pulled over and fined by the police, the phone call that he did not tell me about, and the fine that he hid from me as well.

I told Max about the time he turned up at home after work early because he 'just wanted to be with me'. I told Max how he wanted me to jump into bed with him for a cuddle, and so we did. Nothing more happened, it was just beautiful cuddles with fun giggles, the adorable warm intimate hugs without sex that are simply divine.

I told Max how he suddenly got out of bed and started to get dressed. When I asked Charlie what he was doing he told me he had a meeting to go to. And when I questioned "What meeting?", how Charlie told me he had taken on board another sporting committee membership without discussing this with me.

I told Max about the emails I had found in our shared inbox where he had once again committed to coaching football without telling me.

Max sat there for a short time absorbing the details I had given him, and summed it up perfectly with five words.

"So he betrayed you again?"

I replied "Yes".

"You'll be waiting a long time"

So I returned home after nearly six hours. Charlie was still up and waiting for me to return home.

I didn't know what I was going to walk into. I had no idea what his reaction was going to be, and to be completely honest I didn't care.

I felt free.

I felt cleansed.

I felt at peace.

I simply did not care.

I was fronted with questions as to where I had been and if I was OK. I refused to answer his many questions. It was no longer necessary for me to answer to him about where I had been or who I had been with. I refused to play his games.

It didn't matter where I had been. I needed to escape and I did exactly that.

I was exhausted so I just wanted to go to bed. I had watched the sunset on my marriage and made the decision that I was not returning to my marriage in anyway, and this included sleeping in the same bed as Charlie.

I went to the linen cupboard and grabbed myself a pillow and blanket and set myself up a bed on the lounge in the rumpus room. And I was so totally OK with this. I completely surprised myself with the fact that I was not at all emotional about this in anyway.

Charlie asked me what I was doing. I truthfully replied that I was going to bed. He asked me why I was not getting into our bed, and I told him that I would never sleep in that bed again. He begged me to sleep next to him, but I refused to do so.

He went to the linen cupboard and got himself a blanket and a pillow. He proceeded to lay down on the floor in front of me. I asked him what he was doing and he told me that he just wanted to be next to me.

I told him I did not want him to be in the same room as me.

He picked up his blanket and pillow and moved himself to the family room. He began to set himself up on the cold hard tiles of the family room. I asked him what he was doing and again he stated "I just want to be next to you."

I told him that he could sleep in the bed until such times as he found alternate accommodation for himself, the bed was all his, and that I would never sleep in the same bed as him again.

He told me that he would only get up and go into the bed if I accompanied him to the bedroom.

And with that statement from him I merely replied "You'll be waiting a long time" and rolled over turning my back on him and closing my eyes to sleep.

I was rather shocked at my reaction. Usually his manipulative tactics would have had some form of impact on me, but not this time.

I continued to sleep on that lounge or a matress on the floor. That was my new bed. And every time I tried to discuss Charlie finding a new place to live he just ignored me and told me he would not leave. I hated him and everything he stood for, because in his eyes he still did not see that he did anything wrong.

In desperation I asked him what it was that had to occur for him to realise that the marriage was over. He told me that we would have to be in a 'dark period' for longer than 2 weeks and that we would have to attend another marriage counselling appointment.

Hey, easy enough so I told him to book the appointment.

I just drove

So I left the house. I picked up my keys and left. I had to get away.

I got in my car and left without a word. As tears streamed down my face I drove. I had no idea where I was going or where I would end up.

I just drove.

I can't remember much of my journey apart from the endless stream of tears silently running down my cheeks. I can't remember what I was thinking.

I just drove.

I was on auto pilot, but eventually I pulled my car over and parked. In a dazed state I found myself at a place where I had been before, an extremely sentimental place, a place that held so many wonderful memories.

It was a place I went on one of the happiest days of my life. It was a place where our love and our lifetime commitment to each other was captured on film. It was the place we had chosen to have our wedding photos taken.

I sat in my car and I sobbed. The tears seemed as though they would never end. Every thought I had ran into the next one, my mind a blur of confusion, plagued by constant thoughts and questions.

How could he do this to me...he lied to me....he promised me he wouldn't do it....he lied to me....I thought he loved me....he lied to me.... what did I do to deserve this....he lied to me....when is enough enough....he lied to me....how many more chances am I expected to give him....he lied to me....is he happy now....he lied to me....I can't take this anymore....he lied to me....I have nothing left to give....he lied to me....I hate him.

And as the energy drained from my body and my tears eventually dried, I was able to look around and drink in the beauty that surrounded me.

The distant mountains had a soft blue haze that rose to meet the clouds. The paddocks were a soft green colour after finally receiving some much needed loving rain from the heavens above. The new grass shoots were as soft as the hair on a newborn baby, and the delicious scent from my surroundings was intoxicating.

I extended my face to the sky and drank in my surrounds. I closed my eyes and breathed deeply. I began to feel like a weight was lifting from my shoulders. For the first time in a long time I began to feel at peace.

And as I slowly opened my eyes and came back to reality, I saw a number of kangaroos jumping over to drink from the waterhole just in front of me.

I don't know how long it was that I sat there and watched those kangaroos. It could have been 60 seconds, it could have been 6 minutes, it could have been 60 minutes. I really do not know.

I sat there and watched, without a single thought running through my head, I simply sat and watched. I had no concept of time as I sat there in that field. Time was insignificant.

Eventually the kangaroos jumped away, and as my eyes followed them I experienced a really wierd feeling, one that I cannot explain. I had a strong feeling that I was going to be OK. It was like it was a new beginning for me and everything around me seemed to hold some symbolic meaning.

The kangaroos, the newly sprouted blades of soft grass, the lillies laying on top of the waterhole, the distant mountains, the bare tree shedding bark, the chortling magpies all held some meaning to me and my marriage.

The soft grass symbolised a new beginning. Just like the brown tufts of grass that appeared to be dead that were now turning green and lush from some much needed rain, the person I used to be will return with some loving and nurturing. I will once again bloom, and be the beautiful lily that sits on top of the pond, with deep roots that keep it under control no matter what is being thrown at it. I will once again be in control.

The distant mountains were symbolic of my marriage. It can never be erased, it will always be in the background. Just like those distant mountains, the memories of my marriage will always remain, sometimes covered in haze, other times radiant in the sunshine, sometimes overshadowed by dark and gloomy clouds, other times being nurtured by laughter and happiness.

The kangaroos symbolised my children. Together we would find what it was we needed and together we would get through this. We would find happiness and bask in the sunshine again. We would lay down together and absorb the soft rain drops as they nurture our needs. And we would walk away from this dark period together.

I couldn't help but feel that my life was going to turn for the better, things would fall into place for me, I would find happiness and peace within myself. I did not need Charlie to fulfill my happiness. I would be OK without him. I would create my own happiness, and start living for me.

And as I sat there and watched the beautiful sunset, the huge ball of oranges and pinks, I could not help but think that I had just watched the sunset on my marriage.

And for the first time ever I was totally OK with it.