Max sat and stared out the window for what seemed to be an eternity but was only a mere few seconds, before turning to Charlie.
He looked at Charlie in utter disbelief and in a soft voice asked him, "Have you ever made anyone crazy?"
Charlie appeared stunned and stuttered in disbelief, searching for words that escaped him. I answered for him and told Max that he had made his first two wives crazy.
Max then proceeded to speak to Charlie, stating that he had already seen first hand the impact of his lies, and yet here he was continuing with the same pattern of behaviour.
Max asked him where he got off in believing that he had the right to retraumatize me with his constant deceit and manipulative behaviours. He also stated that there was no wonder that I was where I was and that he did not know how I managed to stay in the relationship for as long as I had and could not believe I had any energy whatsoever with regard to my marriage.
Charlie, as usual, tried to justify his behaviour.
Firstly Max addressed the call Charlie made to his mother from his mobile.
"So you made an agreement not to call your mother from your mobile and yet you called your mother from your mobile?" asked Max.
"Yes but...." Charlie began.
"No. You had an agreement with your wife not to call your mother from your mobile, and you called her from your mobile?" asked Max.
He then addressed the traffic infringement Charlie received and failed to tell me about it.
"You didn't tell her about the fine?"
Charlie stated that he "told me about it", but Max shut him down stating that it was 3 days later.
"You should have accepted the fine and whilst pulled over called her and told her immediately, none of this hiding it for 3 days!"
Max then addressed the day that Charlie came home early to jump into bed for a cuddle before going to the meeting that he failed to tell me about.
Charlie tried to justify his behaviour because I get so angry about these sort of things, but Max would not hear of it.
Max pointed out to Charlie what he did was pre-meditated, that it hadn't just happened as Charlie tried to make Max believe, but he had planned it with the view to 'buttering me up' before letting me down again. He pointed out to Charlie how manipulative his behaviour truly was and that I had a right to be angry when his manipulative behaviour was discovered.
Charlie once again tried to justify his behaviour and shift the blame to me, telling Max about the recent event where out of pure frustration I hit him.
I am not proud of this incident, not at all. I deeply regret hitting Charlie because nothing justifies domestic violence.......NOTHING. But yes I hit him.
"So you're telling me that this is a domestic violence situation. Correct?" asked Max.
Charlie again stuttered.
I responded. "Yes it is. I hit him. It is a domestic violence situation."
What happened next shocked me.
Max turned to Charlie and said "If this is a violent situation, and you know what sets the violence off, then why do you continue to behave in a way that is sure to inspire a violent reaction?"
Charlie sat and stared at Max sitting in his winged chair across from him, and Max stared back.
"You are the provoker. You are to blame. You continue to lie and use manipulative behaviour to get what you want. You bring the violent outbursts on with your own behaviour."
I couldn't believe what I had just heard. I am responsible for hitting Charlie, but here was a highly regarded relationship coach telling me it was not my fault and that I was indeed provoked. It still does not justify hitting Charlie because no person in ANY relationship should be subjected to violence of any nature, but I felt a sense of relief wash over me, taking with it alot of the guilt I had been carrying.
I sat there in stunned silence. I can't really remember the words that were then spoken between Max and Charlie, because my mind was swimming with my own thoughts.
When I finally came back to reality I tuned in to the conversation and heard Charlie trying to make himself look good again, making statements like "I'm as transparent as I've ever been".
Charlie turned to me and said something. I can't remember what it was but I can certainly remember my reaction to it.
"Until you take responsibility for your actions and your behaviours, then nothing will ever be fixed. Until you take full responsibility for your actions and your behaviours, then nothing will ever change. And I am not at all interested in staying in a marriage that is constant lies and manipulation."
Max said to me "I am glad you said that because at no stage during this appointment have I seen any responsibility taken."
I walked out of that appointment feeling so different to how I felt when I walked in.
I felt amazing.
I felt like a huge weight had lifted from my shoulders.
I felt free.
I felt listened to.
But most of all I finally felt HEARD.
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