All champagne and caviar

My stars for today Thursday 28th June 2007

"Too long lately you have been living in a world made of modelling clay. You keep coming up against propositions that are apparently practical or situations that seem solid. They look right, they give the correct impression, yet when you try to get to grips with them, they turn out to be infuriatingly malleable. Subject them to the slightest pressure and they give way. That's really not what you want and especially from a supposed source of support. Now, though, you are back in a world that is more real and reliable. "

So Jonathon thinks I live in a world of modelling clay. You know what?

I totally agree with him.

From an outsiders perspective my life would appear perfect with a doting husband and father that does so much more than any normal husband.

From an outsiders perspective my life would appear to be grand with many opportunties to attend VIP functions such as grand openings and balls.

From an outsiders perspective my life would appear carefree with no financial problems and fabulous cars, a grand house and annual holidays.

My world......... delicious pastel shades of modelling clay, forming multi faceted shapes that give the nightscape a mystical and magical appearance, a place so appealling that you just want to be a part of it. You could only ever dream of a life like Kate and Charlie's, a fantasy world, a life and relationship that you are truly jealous of. He is every woman's ultimate dream. Why can't you have a man like that?

Oh, how well Charlie has manipulated that clay. How perfect is the sculpture that he has created to fill the sweetly perfumed and perfectly manicured rose garden.
And how wonderful the picture perfect garden looks whilst looking at it through rose coloured glasses.

All it took was one outsider looking in to destroy that rose garden because SHE wanted my life. SHE thought my life was all champagne and caviar. SHE thought she had the right to take from that silver tray. SHE thought she deserved it.

And in the process of sneaking those delicacies from that tray, the infrastructure of my world gave way and became a pile of modelling clay. No longer was it delicately coloured, but one giant ball of grey undefineable material.

My world ........bits and pieces of everything intertwined, a giant ball of nothing.

My world ........a world of false hope and broken promises, a world of anger and bitterness, a world of resentment and harsh words, a world of shattered dreams and feelings of emptiness.

My world ........a world of insecurity and distrust, a world of hate and dissatisfaction, a world of dishonesty and betrayal.

Oh, how well he has manipulated that clay. He has formed new buildings with that clay, new buildings to fill the cityscape once again, new buildings that appear just as appealling as the last lot that filled the sky. New buildings that are enticing, that appear to be apart of a fantasy land once again.

But this time I see the cracks.

It's all in the stars!

My stars for today - Wednesday 27th June 2007

"You have been on a great journey and you're still, to a great extent, going through it. Only now, whether you know it or not, you're in the stage where it all gets resolved, sorted out, cleared up and made good. You're not quite in sight of your destination, but only because the road has one more sharp turn ahead. You're nearer than you think, though, to a phase of clarity, comfort and consistency. The exasperating and exhausting 'fuzzy phase' that you began about a year ago is nearly over."

My stars for yesterday - Tuesday 26th June 2007

"Saturn's exhausting and exasperating opposition to Neptune is over at last. For the best part of a year, you have been under the influence of this intense alignment. There have been breaks in between the most awkward moments, but these have not lasted long. You have been going through a process of confusion and dissolution. As soon as everything is seemingly sorted and settled, it changes again. Now, at last, all is about to fall into its proper place and stay there for as long as you need it to."

But here I am

One of the things that I constantly struggle with is how I am having to rewrite my morals and values.

I always said that I would never stay with someone who cheated on me. But here I am.

I always said that there is never an excuse for cheating. But here I am.

I always said that I will not tolerate lies. But here I am.

I always said that I would not stay in a loveless relationship. But here I am.

These questions pose more questions, and day in and day out I am forced to question the very reason I am here.

Am I here due to habit? Or am I here because of love?

Am I here due to fear of failure? Or am I here because of success?

I don't feel love. I don't feel loved.

So why am I here?

Why am I compromising my morals by staying here? Why am I prepared to rewrite my morals?

What more do I need to give up in order for this marriage to work? I feel I am giving up the very centre of who I am by having to rewrite my morals.

I don't feel I am being fair to me, the inner me, the me that says "This is me", the me that I feel comfortable with.

And I truly resent that.

Little does he know...

I have a question.

I need an answer.

I ask Charlie.

He can't remember.

Little does he know how that one little unanswered question will become such a destructive force.

Like a little drop of snow that has fallen from the highest mountain peak, it will tumble and fall, spinning and spinning over itself, tumbling to the yonder beneath the glorious mountain peaks it has become detached from.

Faster and faster it travels, gathering more momentum, picking up more and more speed and verocity as it spirals out of control down the slippery mountain slope.

Faster and faster, angrier and more vicious, slamming into anything that stands in its way, becoming larger as it speeds down the once glorious slope, until it becomes so destructive that anything in its way becomes its victim.

So that one unanswered question spins around in my mind, gathering momentum and producing more unanswered questions, until I fall flat in a heap from the weight of the single unanswered question that has become a destructive force.

If only that one little unanswered question could be stopped before it gained momentum.

The day that changed my life

We truly had a wonderful few days away. The place we stayed at was simply divine! Charlie picked it himself and kept it as a surprise for me.

I thought we would never reach our romantic getaway. We seemed to just keep driving and driving and driving! But I can assure you when we got there it was so worth it!

We stayed in a resort that overlooked the most sensational mountain range and gorgeous lake. It was actually built into the side of a mountain so you can imagine the views.

Check it out! You can just see the resort in the middle of the photo.

As you can see the views were absolutely amazing! Here is a zoomed in pic of the resort. You can just see the rooms below the reception office between the trees. They are actually built into the mountain so are a little diffcult to see.



To get to our room you had to go through darkened hallways and stairwells. The only light was the fairy lights that covered the ceilings. Because of the lighting level the photos really do not portray how magical it truly was.


We had a self contained studio suite, which was full of luxuries and all the mod cons you could want. The entire width of the suite was glass windows, overlooking the mountains and lake. These pics are the view we had from our suite which were taken from the back deck area of our suite.


On the deck there was a patio setting where Charlie and I sat and ate our breakfast each morning. The sky was constantly filled with little swallows and we watched them in awe as they darted here and there. They are a flitty little bird aren't they? And SO quick!


There was also a spa bath in the studio that overlooked the mountains. Charlie and I had a spa together every night of our romantic getaway. Charlie had packed a box of things before we left and included some of our favourite CD's, DVD's and candles. So we relaxed in the spa, with the suite drenched in flickering candlelight, sipping our red wine and listening to our CD's and watching the stars twinkling in the night sky. It was just gorgeous!


The resort was so private that at no stage did we even close the plantation shutters. We constantly walked around naked and not once did we feel cold! I guess that may have had something to do with the activities ;-) on offer! Or perhaps it was because of the amazing oldstyle logfire that was in the centre of the room.



Not once did we wear our watches, nor did we set an alarm clock. We let the natural light wake us in the morning. Charlie wakes earlier than me, so he gently woke me every morning with sensual kisses which usually led to other activites!

The best part of our escape was that we did absolutely nothing. We stayed at the resort, never venturing to the many tourist attractions nearby.

We played tennis. We went bushwalking. We made love. We layed on the bed and talked. We read a book together. We made love. We ate. We slept. We made love. We played scrabble. We drank wine. We made love.

We truly did have a romantic getaway and the date that changed my life last year, once again changed my life.

Sorry guys

Sorry guys because I have not posted in an eternity!

Charlie took me away for a midweek getaway. It was wonderful!

I will post some pics for you in the next couple of days.

But in the meantime, if you haven't already, jump on over to my former blog, "You're Uninvited" and check out what happened.

I have just been feeling a little flat hence the writers block.

Be back in a couple of days.