Today is.....

my wedding anniversary.

Needless to say I am feeling a little flat.

"It was just 30 seconds"

I have an issue with my in-laws. No real problem there I hear you say as it is a very common occurence to have an issue with the good old in-laws, isn't it? There are not many marriages where the daughter-in-law or son-in-law can honestly say "I get on great with my mother/father in law".

The sad fact is I did get on really well with my in-laws pre affair. So why do I have an issue now?

My in-laws decided to support their son in his choice to have an affair behind my back. Not only did they not tell me about it, or feel the need to get their son to tell me the truth, but my dearest mother-in-law willingly entered into an email relationship with the mistress.

One can only guess what those emails were about...."How's the weather over there?" or "I think I will go shopping today" or even "I cooked roast kangaroo with crispy fried maggots last night for dinner". I think not.

But the content really does not matter, because not only did my husband betray me, but the people who have treated me like their daughter that they never had, also betrayed me.

So I am extremely insecure now when it comes to my mother-in-law. I believe my feelings are justified, but I also understand that this woman is my husband's mother, and I would neither expect nor ask for him not to contact his mother.

What I do have an issue with is the contact being behind closed doors, behind my back. At one stage she would SMS Charlie, asking him to text him back if it was OK for her to ring him, meaning is Kate around? Well if that is not a sign of a guilty conscience I don't know what is!

I am certainly not Miss High and Mighty, but I am sorry, I do not find this is appropriate behaviour at all. It is not appropriate to encourage your child to have secrets from their spouse. It is not appropriate to display deceptive behaviour to your child. No normal mother with morals would encourage their children to participate in behaviour like this.

Or am I over reacting? Does this happen in families today?

So I have requested Charlie keep the contact with his mother out in the open. I have asked him not to call her from his mobile, but to call her from the home phone.

We have had many discussions/arguments pertaining to this simple request, but recently it appeared he finally realised how much it meant to me and told me that my request was fair enough and he would not call her again from his mobile.

I felt relieved and comforted that he was listening to me and was prepared to adjust his behaviour in order for me to feel more secure.

Well Charlie once again knocked the air out of my sails when last week I discovered that he had once again called his mother from his mobile. I confronted him with it.

He tried to tell me that he had not called her to which I simply showed him the call that was made to her mobile from his.

He tried to justify it saying that he misdialled his mother's number. I then asked him who he was trying to call because there was no call made from his mobile for over 3 hours after the one to his mother's number. If it was simply a misdial would he not have then called the person he was originally trying to call?

So it appeared that he was well and truly caught.

He tried to justify it by saying "I just needed to call my mum". My argument.....
"you should have called her from the home phone".

He tried to again justify his behaviour with "It was just 30 seconds", to which I responded "It doesn't matter if it was 30 seconds, 30 minutes or 30 hours. You still went back on your word".

He continued to trivialise my feelings and downplay the significance of the situation, telling me that he did not call her and that he did not know how the call appeared on the phone bill. So I asked for his phone.

He willingly handed it over to me and I went to the call logs, to find that all entries had been deleted. How convenient, but of course Charlie did not know how that happened.

For me this whole scenario was like reliving the day he told me of his affair. The lies and betrayal, the deception and great lengths he went to cover his ass all came flooding back to me.

If he was prepared to lie to me about something so trivial then what else is he hiding from me? He tells me he isn't hiding anything, but how on earth can I believe him? Why on earth would I believe him, when he can't even tell me the truth about a simple phone call to his mother?

He does not have room for failure right now. He does not have room to fuck anything up. He should be telling the truth regardless of consequence, proving to me that he wants to change and that he wants this marriage to work.

If he truly loved me he would not lie to me, he would not hide things from me, he would not try and justify his behaviour. He would change the things that cause the problem instead of trying to justify it. He would be taking ownership of his behaviour and admitting his failings, instead of trying to blame me and trivialising my feelings.

I am so pissed off. I believe it is the one that has broken me. I am still furious and I won't back down. I think he has finally worn out his last chance.

I no longer have anything to give.

A simple saying that holds so much truth

"If your spouse is willing to cheat on you, then they feel that you're worth losing" ~ Bruce Cameron


There is no wonder I feel totally worthless.

Waiter....that's not what I ordered

How many times have you been in a restaurant and returned your meal because it was not what you ordered?

And how many times have you read the menu and your mouth watered as you read the selections?

And how many times have you made your selection and you are hanging to taste the delicacy of your selection, only to be disappointed once it came out?

What would you do if you ordered a medium/well done steak with salad, and they served you a rare steak with chips? Or a char grilled chicken dish with vegetables? Or a pizza? Or even a curry chicken dish?

Would you not return it? Would you not get the waiter's attention and simply say "This is not what I ordered" ?

Well I am having a great deal of trouble at the moment with the things that Charlie is serving me. It is not what I ordered, so why am I expected to accept it with a smile on my face?

I didn't ask for flowers and chocolates. I didn't ask for love notes and SMS messages. I didn't ask for phone calls and loving comments.

So what have I asked for?

I asked Charlie to take me out to dinner once a month, just Charlie and I. Not a work function, not inbetween work functions. Just one simple night each month that I am the centre of Charlie's attention. One night each month, because he wants to take me out, because he wants to spend time with me.

So since he has wanted back into this marriage, since HE came back begging me and pleading with me for another chance, what has he served me?

He has served me side dishes, consisting of flowers, chocolates, love notes, phone calls, all the easy stuff, the stuff that anyone can do without any time commitment.

I know I sound like an ungrateful bitch, but they are not satisfying me. I need my steak before I can enjoy my side dishes. All I am asking for is my husband t spend quality time with me. It's all I have ever asked for, and it is the one thing that I am always left craving.

How selfish am I to ask for one night each month, 12 outings each year? Why on earth would Charlie want to spend one night a month with me, afterall I am only his wife? When you add it all up, that equates to approximately 3 hours each month or 36 hours out of 8760 hours each year. A mere 0.04% of Charlie's life.

And yet here I am being made to feel that I have set unrealistic expectations. Here I am constantly being accused of changing my expectations, or moving the goal posts.

Fact is that I haven't moved the goal posts or changed my expectations. Charlie has taken me out to dinner on one single occasion in the last 8 months, where it has not been a work function or inbetween work functions. Charlie just seems to think that serving me side dishes is enough.

I guess I should just be grateful there is food on my plate. But I am not grateful because this is not my style of restaurant.

Every mouthful I take leaves a bitter taste in my mouth. I struggle to swallow each mouthful. It seems to get stuck in the back of my throat, and no matter how many sips of wine I take it never seems to move.

I don't want to have to fight to have my husband spend time with me. I have fought too long.

I don't want to be angry and hurt for the rest of my life. I have felt angry and hurt for far too long.

I don't want to be resentful because he refuses to find time to spend with me. He always found the time to slip off to the mistress' house. I have no doubt the time he spent in her bed added up to more than 3 hours each month.

Maybe I just need to find a new chef, a chef that wants to spend time with me, that wants to share his world with me, that wants to make me feel special, that wants to love me unconditionally.

Maybe I have set an unrealistic expectation. But somehow I don't think so.

Still hanging

Hi guys,

I am still here, so please do not panic. Just not doing well at all at the moment. Thanks for all your emails and comments of concern. I just can't answer my emails at the moment, but will endeavour to get to them later in the week.

I have once again copped a barrage of negative and spiteful comments from none other than the mistress. I can only assume her venomous comments have been spurred on by the fact that she can no longer read what is happening in my marriage.

After reading her comments on another blog it is obvious she was still holding out hope that Charlie would go back to her, but she now realises it is not going to happen. Check out the games she has been playing over on Solaris's blogand these are the ones that Solaris has left published.

It is really obvious the comments that are from her and once again they have taken their toll on me. It is really easy to say don't let her affect you, but the thing is, it does. It does affect me.

I have done nothing to this woman, not a thing. Why am I constantly subjected to her venomous comments? I react to her. I know I do, and I am trying so bloody hard not to. That is one of the reasons I have been laying low, because I needed to distance myself to avoid giving her the attention that she is seeking.

But rest assured guys Kate will be back later in the week. Charlie and I have been away for a little end of summer break to the coast and it rained the whole bloody time we were away! Once I catch up on the washing etc etc I will post again.

Thanks again for your concerns and thoughtful emails.

Kate

Have you ever been low?

"Low"
By Kelly Clarkson

Everybody's talking
But they don't say a thing
They look at me with sad eyes
But I don't want the sympathy
It's cool you didn't want me
Sometimes you can't go back
Why'd you have to go and make a mess like that

I just have to say
Before I let go

Have you ever been low
Have you ever had a friend that let you down so
When the truth came out
Were you the last to know
Were you left out in the cold
'Cause what you did was low

No, I don't need your number
There's nothing left to say
Except I never thought it'd hurt this much to be safe

My friends are outside waiting
I've gotta go

Have you ever been low
Have you ever had a friend that let you down so
When the truth came out
Were you the last to know
Were you left out in the cold
'Cause what you did was low

What you did was low
What you did was low
What you did was low

I walk out of this darkness
With no sense of regret
And I go without precautions
We both know that you can't say that
Just to show
For all the time I loved you so
So

Have you ever been low
Have you ever had a friend that let you down so
When the truth came out
Were you the last to know
Were you left out in the cold
'Cause what you did was low

Have you ever been low
Have you ever had a friend that let you down so
When the truth came out
Were you the last to know
Were you left out in the cold
'Cause what you did was low

Have you ever been low
Have you ever had a friend that let you down so
'Cause what you did was low

An apology

Hi guys,

I want to apologise to everyone for the lack of posts on this blog.

Right now I am not doing well at all. This is probably the worst I have been during this whole fucking saga called my life. For the first time in my life the word suicide has entered my thoughts.

I have been extremely hurt and angry. And as usual Charlie and his constant behaviour has not made it any easier to deal with. If I am truthful it has made things worse between us.....but I will divulge more in future posts.

Now I have made the decision to write blog posts in my current state of mind. I want to apologise because they will not be up to the normal standard because of where my head is. My thoughts are all scrambled into each other and soemtimes I feel they just don't make sense.

So if I confuse you when you read please accept my apologies. But right now I just need to get it all out. Don't feel you need to leave comments because I am happy just to write. I have not even attached a statcounter to this blog so won't even know who has read!

Thanks for your continued support.

Kate

Charlie is seeing a psychologist for individual sessions. He has only seen her twice, but the last time he came home from his appointment he was in tears.

I don't like to ask the details of his sessions, but I always ask generally how the appointment went, just a simple "How did your appointment go?". He was very subdued upon his arrival home so I asked how it went.

He broke down in tears and just lay on the bed with me, stroking my leg. He could barely talk for a few minutes, but when he was able to speak, he told me that he realised that everything I had said over the past few years about him treating me poorly was true.

He cried and continued to apologise, stating that he would never let me down again and that he should have put me higher in his list of priorities.

He nearly had me fooled. I was so excited because I thought he finally realised what it was that I have been begging for for the last 3 years.

But it appears I fell victim once again to his manipulative behaviour and false promises.

He suggested we go to Fiji for a holiday at the end of the month, which just so happens to be our wedding anniversary. He thought it would be great because last year due to our relationship problems, not even a card was exchanged or a simple "Happy Anniversary".

And I could not agree more. I thought it was a perfect opportunity for us to recommit and starting building what had been destroyed. I was so excited that he was going to do something that he has never done before, because he wanted to.

But I was a fool to believe him. I was stupid for even thinking that he would want to take time off from his all important job to spend some quality time with me and work on his marriage.

Instead of consulting with me he has gone and arranged a weekend away in Melbourne, not a holiday, just a weekend away. Not a holiday with time off from work. Not a relaxed holiday where we would be together, doing things together, enjoying each others company, away from the normal daily grind.

Nope, just a weekend away.

So maybe I am selfish. But it is the continued pattern of behaviour that causes me pain. Failing to discuss things with me, failing to commit to the marriage and placing his job ahead of our marriage, failing to commit any quality time to work on this marriage.

It's the constant false hopes and promises he gives me. He sets the standard of expectation by telling me one thing, and then delivers something completely different.

Why the hell am I so stupid and fucking naive to believe that he would ever fulfill his suggestions? Why do I set myself up to fall, because everytime he breaks his 'promises' and pulls the rug out from under me, I am the one that is left sprawled out on the floor, shattered once again.

I am the one that continues to believe his manipulative lies, and I am the one that is constantly left feeling empty and worthless when he fails to deliver. I am so fucking stupid.

Why does he give me false hope? Why do I see through his empty and shallow promises but still allow myself to fall prey to him? Why does he continue to do this? Why can't he see what he is doing?

When this marriage needs him to commit fully, and needs him to fulfill his 'promises', and needs him to place me higher up his priority list, he continues to hurt me

Check your Inbox!

The first round of invites have been sent so check your inbox! Still have more to do so don't panic if you have not yet received an invite. The blog is still open at this stage but will hopefully be closed down this week once all invites have been sent.


In the meantime, sit back and listen to some more music.

"Fist City" by Loretta Lynn

A you've been makin' your brags around town
That you've been a lovin' my man
But the man I love, when he picks up trash
He puts it in a garbage can
And that's what a you look like to me
And what I see's a pity
Close your face and stay outta my way
If ya don't wanna go to fist city

If ya don't wanna go to fist city
Ya better detour around my town
'Cause I'll grab you by the hair a the head
And I'll lift a you off a the ground

I'm not a sayin' my baby's a saint 'cause he ain't
N' that he won't cat around with a kitty
I'm here to tell ya gal to lay offa my man
If ya don't wanna go to fist city

Come on and tell me what you told my friends
If you think you're brave enough
And I'll show you what a real woman is
Since you think you're hot stuff
You'll bite off more than you can chew
If you get to cute or witty
You better move your feet
If you don't wanna eat
A meal that's called fist city

If you don't wanna go to fist city
You better detour around my town
'Cause I'll grab you by the hair a the head
And I'll lift you offa the ground

I'm not a sayin' my baby's a saint 'cause he ain't
N' that he won't cat around with a kitty
I'm here to tell ya gal to lay offa my man
If ya don't wanna go to fist city
I'm here to tell ya gal to lay offa my man
If ya don't wanna go to fist city

I'm so excited!

Welcome to my new home! Isn't it exciting?

Just so you know this will be an invitation only blog. I will be sending out the personal invitations in the next week or so. I have so many readers that it is going to take me a while to get them all listed!

So in the meantime sit back and enjoy some music.




I look forward to 'chatting' with you all soon in my new house.