I just drove

So I left the house. I picked up my keys and left. I had to get away.

I got in my car and left without a word. As tears streamed down my face I drove. I had no idea where I was going or where I would end up.

I just drove.

I can't remember much of my journey apart from the endless stream of tears silently running down my cheeks. I can't remember what I was thinking.

I just drove.

I was on auto pilot, but eventually I pulled my car over and parked. In a dazed state I found myself at a place where I had been before, an extremely sentimental place, a place that held so many wonderful memories.

It was a place I went on one of the happiest days of my life. It was a place where our love and our lifetime commitment to each other was captured on film. It was the place we had chosen to have our wedding photos taken.

I sat in my car and I sobbed. The tears seemed as though they would never end. Every thought I had ran into the next one, my mind a blur of confusion, plagued by constant thoughts and questions.

How could he do this to me...he lied to me....he promised me he wouldn't do it....he lied to me....I thought he loved me....he lied to me.... what did I do to deserve this....he lied to me....when is enough enough....he lied to me....how many more chances am I expected to give him....he lied to me....is he happy now....he lied to me....I can't take this anymore....he lied to me....I have nothing left to give....he lied to me....I hate him.

And as the energy drained from my body and my tears eventually dried, I was able to look around and drink in the beauty that surrounded me.

The distant mountains had a soft blue haze that rose to meet the clouds. The paddocks were a soft green colour after finally receiving some much needed loving rain from the heavens above. The new grass shoots were as soft as the hair on a newborn baby, and the delicious scent from my surroundings was intoxicating.

I extended my face to the sky and drank in my surrounds. I closed my eyes and breathed deeply. I began to feel like a weight was lifting from my shoulders. For the first time in a long time I began to feel at peace.

And as I slowly opened my eyes and came back to reality, I saw a number of kangaroos jumping over to drink from the waterhole just in front of me.

I don't know how long it was that I sat there and watched those kangaroos. It could have been 60 seconds, it could have been 6 minutes, it could have been 60 minutes. I really do not know.

I sat there and watched, without a single thought running through my head, I simply sat and watched. I had no concept of time as I sat there in that field. Time was insignificant.

Eventually the kangaroos jumped away, and as my eyes followed them I experienced a really wierd feeling, one that I cannot explain. I had a strong feeling that I was going to be OK. It was like it was a new beginning for me and everything around me seemed to hold some symbolic meaning.

The kangaroos, the newly sprouted blades of soft grass, the lillies laying on top of the waterhole, the distant mountains, the bare tree shedding bark, the chortling magpies all held some meaning to me and my marriage.

The soft grass symbolised a new beginning. Just like the brown tufts of grass that appeared to be dead that were now turning green and lush from some much needed rain, the person I used to be will return with some loving and nurturing. I will once again bloom, and be the beautiful lily that sits on top of the pond, with deep roots that keep it under control no matter what is being thrown at it. I will once again be in control.

The distant mountains were symbolic of my marriage. It can never be erased, it will always be in the background. Just like those distant mountains, the memories of my marriage will always remain, sometimes covered in haze, other times radiant in the sunshine, sometimes overshadowed by dark and gloomy clouds, other times being nurtured by laughter and happiness.

The kangaroos symbolised my children. Together we would find what it was we needed and together we would get through this. We would find happiness and bask in the sunshine again. We would lay down together and absorb the soft rain drops as they nurture our needs. And we would walk away from this dark period together.

I couldn't help but feel that my life was going to turn for the better, things would fall into place for me, I would find happiness and peace within myself. I did not need Charlie to fulfill my happiness. I would be OK without him. I would create my own happiness, and start living for me.

And as I sat there and watched the beautiful sunset, the huge ball of oranges and pinks, I could not help but think that I had just watched the sunset on my marriage.

And for the first time ever I was totally OK with it.