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The last few weeks have been really difficult because of various things that have sent me spiralling downward again. Simple things that to any ordinary person would not be anything of significance, but to me they mark the destruction of my world.
I would never have thought seeing a television interview with the two Tasmanian miners that were trapped underground last year would affect me.
I would never have thought driving past the airport would affect me.
I would never have thought discussing a holiday with my husband would affect me.
But these small things have all had a great impact on me. Emotionally each of these things has crippled me.
Why?
Because each of them in their own way signify the day I found out about my husbands affair, the day my world came crashing down, the day I merely started to exist instead of live, the day the innocence of my marriage was taken from me, the day I went from being a controlled person with focus to being a confused and emotional living blob of flesh and bone.
The feeling of loneliness seems to sit at the back of my throat once more. The feeling of helplessness sits in the pit of stomach once again. The feeling of confusion clouds my mind. The feeling of numbness leaves my body covered in goosebumps.
It's seems like it happened only yesterday, when every window of my soul was left shattered.
But this time I do not cry.
They say each year gets easier. God I hope it does because this is just like reliving it all over again.
13 comments:
it's not fair is it Kate, I don't doubt it does get easier as each year passes, but fark, how many years do you need to suffer in silence.
Kate, I don't think you ever get over it. It changes who you are in every way. All you can do is put the experience away in a box on the top of a shelf. You know it is there and every once in a while you take it down and exam the contents, then you put it back on the shelf.
5 years and counting,
Pat
Lara our counsellor Max has stated it takes on average 18 months to 4 years to recover from infidelity and he has also stated that you never fully recover. So I guess I have a long way to go.
Sunshine the offical 'date' of finding out is only days away (28th May) but the weeks leading up to it were just awful and things remind me of incidents that occurred during that time.
I am doing Ok. I am finding my way back up but it is just awful. It is really hard to describe. It is like a feeling of dread hanging over you.
Pat thanks for your comment :-) .
It makes perfect sense to me. It does change you in every way. There are things about me that I hate now, but then there are many things that have changed in a positive way too.
I hope the times that I need to bring that box off the shelf lessen with time.
Hang in there Kate! I know how you feel and I am a little further out on the timeline. I am doing better in that I have twinges now not so much flooding. However, I am still not able to feel that generosity of spirit that comes with forgiveness, letting go and freedom of pain. I feel like I am not curled up on the floor anymore, I'm walking - but still holding my belly protectively after the sucker punch that was my H's cheating! I hope that your H's blog reflects true remorse- walking the walk not just talking the talk. You will get past it- I have to believe that for me too!
I recently read that it takes a woman between 2 to 5 years to get over her husband's infidelity.
And yes, there are triggers - even the weather or seeing a family happy in a supermarket does it for me.
Otherwise, I would be just fine if his psycho wouldn't be stalking me so much.
and those wopig dare call US Bitter, hells bells do they ever look in the mirror!!
Yeah Lara - were just a bunch of bitter bitches er um women
Hey the Chicago IP, username 'mistress' left a comment on Charlie's blog saying he deserved better than me.
Needless to say....he deleted it!
Sigh...its funny how you think you have control and you've come to terms with things when suddenly the smallest thing knocks you off for a loop, isn't it?
It will still happen, but at the end of the day, Kate, I try to think that I have only one life to live, and I don't aim to spend it feeling bad about a mistake someone else made. I don't know what goes on in the heart and mind of a cheating man (or woman, I suppose I should add for posterity) but I don't feel its fair that the injured party continues to go through crap.
I suppose what I'm trying to say, is that, the flashbacks and triggers will always be there, but you can try to change your response slowly, bit by bit. I know I'm trying...but sometimes I have to sit back and wonder why we put ourselves through this in the first place....
Hang in there, Kate, rooting for you.
I've just come through all this affair anniversary stuff, and god it sucks. every tiny detail is a reminder screaming at you. Hate it, hate it, hate it, but now that we're through it (and had a few extra counseling sessions) I think I'm actually doing better than I was about 6 weeks before all the anniversary stuff started. I hope the same holds true for you.
Did you have a good weekend away, Kate?
My marriage wasn't anywhere near as good as what you guys had/have, but I was just as devastated when I found out what a fool I had been made and how stupid I had been. I didn't love him, it was all about my pride, but I remember that feeling and it is awful. But, I'm here to tell you, it does get better - lots better. I am happier today than I have ever been and you will be one day too and you will look back on this time and realize that it led you to where you are.
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