One of the things that I constantly struggle with is how I am having to rewrite my morals and values.
I always said that I would never stay with someone who cheated on me. But here I am.
I always said that there is never an excuse for cheating. But here I am.
I always said that I will not tolerate lies. But here I am.
I always said that I would not stay in a loveless relationship. But here I am.
These questions pose more questions, and day in and day out I am forced to question the very reason I am here.
Am I here due to habit? Or am I here because of love?
Am I here due to fear of failure? Or am I here because of success?
I don't feel love. I don't feel loved.
So why am I here?
Why am I compromising my morals by staying here? Why am I prepared to rewrite my morals?
What more do I need to give up in order for this marriage to work? I feel I am giving up the very centre of who I am by having to rewrite my morals.
I don't feel I am being fair to me, the inner me, the me that says "This is me", the me that I feel comfortable with.
And I truly resent that.
About Me
- kissmekate
- This blog is my journey through the rollercoaster of emotions experienced when one partner goes beyond the boundaries of marriage. Experience the highs and the lows associated with infidelity, the raw emotion the hurt partner experiences. Who knows how this journey will end....'cause I don't. Come along for the ride and travel the path with me .....it could be an interesting journey!
13 comments:
Kate, they are really hard questions and I think every person who has been cheated on has them at some point or another.
I don't think any of us know what we will ever do in a given situation until we're actually PUT in that position...but FWIW I think the fact that you forgave, and were willing to give it a shot doesn't mean you're stupid, but is a testament to what a loving, giving person you are.
There will come a point where a decision will be made one way or another...but until you reach that threshold, you should realise that you are a wonderful woman, and that you've given your all to this. It's his loss if he can't appreciate you or make things work...because somewhere out there there is a man who will thank him for freeing you up for him. Someone who will treat you so much better, who will make you deliriously happy, and above all, someone who will never abuse your trust.
Hope that helps.
HuGz...
I'm here Kate. We are doing the same thing. I guess I have compassion for my H. He is so ashamed and disgusted with himself. But I have to confess- I cheated on a loved boyfriend years ago so I know what it is like in a way, to be moved to do something completely out of character in our transformational journey. Staying is not compromising our values- it is practicing them for bigger goals than just romantic love. I totally agree with Sunshine, again!
ooh, Karma, you bring out a good point. I have a girlfriend who's husband cheated on her, and she doesn't feel bad at all.
She said taht the reason for this is because she herself cheated on her husband about two years before his affair, so now her guilt has been erased. She's quite happy, actually.
I don't know if I can cope with that type of disfunction, though - but what I DO know is that if a woman who got cheated on cheats secretly on her husband, her feelings of feeling loveless, etc, will most definitely be erased. I've read about this topic. BUT, she may be left with a slight feeling of guilt.
Nalini - it is not that Charlie doesn't appreciate me because he does. He is sorry for what he has done and he does not treat me badly as he used to and he will never abuse my trust again. I know that now and feel comfortable trusting him with this.
"who will make you deliriously happy"
This is what I so long for, to be happy and feel loved again.
Sunshine - you always put things so positively, don't you? You really are a ray of sunshine!
The thing I struggle with is when is it OK to throw your hands in the air and say "I have tried but it isn't going to work."
Please don't get me wrong because I am not at this place, but at what point do I just concede?
Karma - I love the point you made about "practicing them for bigger goals than just romantic love". And real love is so totally different to romantic love. It is like comparing apples and oranges.
That was the big thing that brought Charlie home because he somehow managed to get his head in a place where he realised he didn't 'love' the mistress, just loved the lusty feelings of a new relationship.
However, where we obviously differ is I do not feel a great deal of compassion for Charlie. I know he feels remorseful, but I never get the obvious distresses over his actions. Sometimes I would give anything to hear that sort of thing because it would be a huge reassurance to me, but I don't get it.
Solaris I can honestly say I know why people cheat when they don't feel loved, because the thought has crossed my mind. However, my morals have kept me within boundaries.
I often feel like I want to hurt Charlie as much as he hurt me, but then I think that it would not hurt him because he did not care about me enough in the first place. So why would I open myself up to more internal pain for compromising my morals?
Where I am at the moment just downright sucks.
I have to say what sunshine said is exactly what I would have said too. Never say Never, its binds you to a sometimes unrealistic street, what suits us today may not tomorrow and our needs do change over time. I think that giddy love only happens when we are ignorant to be honest, I was going to say young but there are lots of young peeple who see reality much clearer than I did at their age, giddy love is when you don't know about your partners weakness's or are blinded to them.
I think Ill buy a dog for the giddy bits and a man for everything else LOL
Doesn't sound confusing at all Sunshine. You always make me smile!
Thank you!
I love that metaphor! Where I live going anywhere you need a four wheel drive!
Kate, I hear you, and understand everything you are felling. I am going on 5 years of dealing with the situation you are in. And what really gets me is my husband is the one that destroyed our relationship by cheating,yet I will be the bad guy if and when I decide to walk. It doesn't matter how bad he feels or how sorry he is,or how it will never happen again,the trust will never ever be there the way it was. You can't put a time table to getting these levels of trust back, because they will never be the same again no matter how badly you want it to be. So it is really a matter getting through the bad times until the pain and disappointment subsides a little. I am at the point where I am thinking of leaving now more then I have when I first found out, and my husband just does not get it. He thinks it should be well behind us by now. But all I want to do is scream UNCLE!!! I am done dealing with this, I did not do anything wrong.
I know it sucks big time...I wish I had a magic formula to make it go away, if you stumble on one send it my way.
Pat
Pam I really feel for you after 5 years of trying to get it right. Do you feel cheated out of 5 years?
This is the thing that I struggle with. I don't know if things will be the same in 5 years. But I don't want to waste 5 years of my life finding out.
Selfish....yep! But I have the right to be selfish.
Why should I deny myself the right for happiness? Why should I deny myself the right to find someone who will love me unconditionally, someone that I can trust?
I just don't know that I can play the 'what if' for an indefinite period of time.
"Do I feel cheated out of 5 years?"
Yes and no....yes, because of all the pain and emotional work I have had to go through, just to stay in the marriage. I have 2 children, one was still at home when everything hit the fan, so there was more then just me to consider.
No, because I am so much stronger now in all aspects of my life. And I know now that I can bear anything that comes my way. I don't think anyone could cause me an unbearable hurt again ever in my life. So in a weird way my husband has opened doors to other possibilities for my life that I would never have dreamed of before.
I could never have imagined my life without him before, now I can.I feel free, I know I have put my all into the marriage,and now I am done with dealing and want to get on with my life. So if I stay it will be because I want to be here, not for him or the kids. And If I go the world as I know it won't come to an end.
I can sleep at night knowing I gave it my all, and I won't have to play the "what if" game the rest of my life. So what ever road I do take I am whole again.
So in the long run Kate it is all good. I feel like I have gotten a Master's degree in life.
Sunshine's advice isn't overly positive, it is realistic. When talking about people, especially, never say never has to be invoked. Starting over is no piece of cake.
Few people can get through life without having their principles tested or left intact. I think the question of the greatest good is in play here.
You feel unloved, but I read a very loving post. Is it a question of love or trust and security? One may lead to the others.
Somewhere I saw a post on children. I have some strong feelings on how divorce effects them, resilencey is a myth, an excuse, it hurts them period. You probably have principles on how they should be brought up. In a family, that started on your wedding day.
It comes down to certain life events will shake you to your core beliefs and in this case I bet it is impossible to keep every single one of them intact. So the question becomes a choice, for the greater good. A beautiful family you had, and that you may one day regain.
Best wishes while traveling this rocky road...
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