I have a question.
I need an answer.
I ask Charlie.
He can't remember.
Little does he know how that one little unanswered question will become such a destructive force.
Like a little drop of snow that has fallen from the highest mountain peak, it will tumble and fall, spinning and spinning over itself, tumbling to the yonder beneath the glorious mountain peaks it has become detached from.
Faster and faster it travels, gathering more momentum, picking up more and more speed and verocity as it spirals out of control down the slippery mountain slope.
Faster and faster, angrier and more vicious, slamming into anything that stands in its way, becoming larger as it speeds down the once glorious slope, until it becomes so destructive that anything in its way becomes its victim.
So that one unanswered question spins around in my mind, gathering momentum and producing more unanswered questions, until I fall flat in a heap from the weight of the single unanswered question that has become a destructive force.
If only that one little unanswered question could be stopped before it gained momentum.
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15 comments:
You expressed that so beautifully Kate, so very accurate :-)
Dead on! I've come to accept that men do not remember because they don't pay that much attention anyway when they are compartmentalizing and expending energy keeping guilt at bay. This does not make it any better since then I think- why screw up my life and our marriage for something you can't even remember! Radical acceptance is the term that I've been learning to embrace- a buddhist term. Even if they did remember it's gone and done. There is no way to unbreak an egg. Hang in there Kate! And Charlie!
Kate- you are a beautiful and generous person. R is a very difficult thing and it is a transformational process. So, like in the Lord of the Rings- when we fall and can get back up we have another level to us that we never had before. It's not something we wished for but is something we've earned!
Very poignantly and truthfully expressed, Kate!
But what was the question? lol
Kate, its a common feeling when you feel like you've been betrayed...sometimes I get angry because something that seemed so significant to me is of such little importance to him, that he can't even remember it!
But I agree with karmawendy...men are truly a separate species from women from a psychological, mental and emotional view, so although unsatisfactory, it might just be easier to put it resolutely out of your mind. All we're doing is punishing ourselves, really, because I doubt it affects them very much! Or perhaps Charlie is simply trying to spare your feeling by not talking about something simple which will only lead to more questions. Someone read me a quote yesterday about the power of the mind, and how positive and negative thinking have equal impacts on our psyche and what comes to pass.
Basically, it matters not if you think 'I don't want this to happen', because obsessing over it generates so much energy and passion that the message you're really sending out to the universe is 'I WANT this to happen'. Passion about anything, negative or positive, is a powerful emotion that can bring about harmful consequences if not practiced properly...so maybe start thinking only of good things. When a thought comes into your mind, push it out and dwell on something positive like success at work or a great date with Charlie.
I know it sounds a bit crazy, but if you think about it it does make sense. It's said to have a good impact if practiced for a while. Good luck.
Kate after your previous wonderful post, it is sad to see you struggling with an unanswered question.
You do accurately predict what can happen, the question is, Wouldn't you be better off if it never achieved momentum? Is it possible to value the wonderful weekend above the need for an answer? It should be a choice, but if the question momentum builds it may take your choice away and that would be unfortunate.
I hope you are able to work something out that puts your mind at ease.
I've been there before! I hope you find your answer or at least some kind of peace to let this one go. Hard to advise since I don't know the actual question, but that's none of our business anyway unless you decide it is. It isn't easy at all and I know how down unanswered questions can make us women feel. It usually leads to even more questions and more momentum. I love your description. Hang in there.
Thanks for your words of encouragement guys.
As for the question......there are so many unanswered questions that I still have. In this post I am not talking about any one particular question, just the fact that whenever I do have a question it never seems to get answered.
It is so difficult to put everything behind me when I still struggle with the events of last year.
I have become friends with another high profile woman in the town that I live in. She found out her husband had an affair. His affair lasted 6 weeks and was not as 'deep' as Charlie's ie her husband never said "I am in love with the other person and I am leaving you".
When he told her about it they spent the next 3 days discussing ALL the details. I so wish I had the same.
And yet she sits opposite me and says things to me like how she wishes she were as far down the path in healing as what I am.
I obviously have her fooled.
Kate, truthfully, I don't think it matters if she spent 3 days discussing the affair or not. In my experience, questions lead to more questions and sometimes the answers don't satisfy us at all.
Sigh...all I can say is I know what it feels like to have your trust broken and how much it hurts. I don't know if it ever becomes easy to trust that person ever again.
Support and hugs your way...and for what its worth, I too feel you've made more progress than when you guys first started your blogs.
Dear Kate- I have had many questions answered. The big one that still brings tears to my eyes is How? How could he do this to me? That's called grief and it is unanswerable except possibly that he didn't think about it that way- if he could've done that he wouldn't have done it! They were only thinking about themselves and it's really all about them. Then there is the next question-How could they not have thought of me? It goes on and on... as tho knowing could help us, as tho info could be translated from the knowledge of our heart that something has been stolen from us- right out from under our noses.That doesn't mean they don't love us- it means they don't know how to love and are still learning something we already know, I think. My H didn't know he had a dark side or could be a fool. Now he does. I think tho that Charlie should make some effort to answer the questions- come on man. Write them out Kate and ask him to do it. But it shouldn't be a test of love, understand Charlie- it would be better than a hug. I think he's afraid you will leave him if you know all and that's the elephant in the room! Blah, blah, blah- hit another chord- sorry to go on!
Found another interesting infidelity blog, infidelitystinks.blogspot.com, discussing wondering....
Kate, how can he not answer your questions when he seems as if he's trying very hard to win you back?
My husband left suddenly and never looked back. Now there goes a real HOW, WHY.
I'm sure that to your friend it doesn't matter if the affair lasted for 6 weeks or was as complicated as yours was. Her husband still cheated, and the pain is still the same.
I think that the fact that he cheated on you does not mean that he doesn't love you, Kate. I remember when one of my coworkers told me that he cheated on his wife not because he didn't love her but because he just needed to find sexual variety and because he really liked the excitement of the affair in itself. Believe me - half of those men are just using the mistresses, they don't give a damn about them - especially when they wake up from the fog.
What I personally don't like is that men are inclined to have a need for sexual variety. Only the ones with great self control seem to be faithful.
Yeap where are the faithful men who don't even feel the need to undress woman mentally let alone physically. LOL probably in church mahaha.
Sol- in my H's case,he felt, during a time in our M. that was incredibly difficult,flattered by the OW's attention. She swamped him with positive regard,easy to do when you don't know the day to day stuff. In the forum for wayward spouse's at the site I frequent, there are many reasons why but all of them are due to the WS having their own deep seated problems/issues/vulnerabilities. Kate- hang in there, Sol is right in that it does not mean he doesn't love you!
Karmawendy my huisband's mistress also threw positive attention at him. In Charlie's eyes she saw herself as the saviour.
Charlie has been opening up to me a little about things and it has made numerous things easier for me.
I still struggle with feeling loved. But then I guess that may have something to do with the size of the hole that was kicked into my bucket.
I am working on things. It just frustrates me having to deal with it at all.
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