I don't feel loved. I am extremely angry and hurt. I feel very resentful.
I feel like every day is a lie, with Charlie making certain promises that are always unmet. The same pattern of behaviour, only different things this time.
And the same old thing happens.......in a roundabout way I am blamed by Charlie. He has just spat a lot of hurtful comments at me, things that don't even relate to my marriage, about my 'patterns of behaviour' in my life.
Same old story really......"Let's just pass the buck because I am God's gift to women, women love me, there is nothing wrong with me."
One difference is that he no longer believes I have Bipolar disorder because Max our counsellor set him straight about that, so now he thinks he can make me the scape goat with other things.
Yeah that really shows me that he has taken full responsibility. It is my fault, I am the problem. The fact that I am his third wife that he has fucked around on is irrelevant. It is the women in his life that have the problem. Ask his mother because she will tell you too.
He tells me he loves me everyday. He calls me from work everyday. In his eyes I should feel loved. He tells me. I should know he loves me.
But when I look at my marriage now and compare it to 2 years ago nothing has changed. The only thing that has changed is that it appears he is now telling me the truth and is no longer viewing online porn.
WOW! You know that is enough to make anyone feel loved. A phone call every weekday and your husband telling you the truth and not viewing online porn. Those things are enough to make anyone feel loved to the nth degree, isn't it?
Previous times in this relationship I have had to put up with all the promises of "I won't do it again" or "You are the only person I love" and "You mean the world to me" or even "You would destroy me if you left me". So I have listened and trusted and given chance after chance after chance. I have allowed him to remain in my life and he has given me several weeks of 'good' behaviour before he has been found out again.
Same old story here. I have had 'good' behaviour that has roped me back into this relationship. And the same old patterns have emerged.
A few weeks of 'good' behaviour have roped me in, so he stops the 'good' behaviour.
He roped me in with all the romantic nights that he woke me at 2am with burning candles and made love to me by candle light.
He roped me in promising to read certain books that were really important to this relationship and even going out to buy some himself, believing that this relationship would benefit from those books.
He roped me in with a constant stream of text messages he used to send me.
He roped me in by purchasing some gorgeous romantic night scratch cards and fulfilling those ideas.
He roped me in with beautiful little love notes that he used to leave for me.
He roped me in with a couple of wonderful nights out at wonderful restaurants.
He roped me in with wonderful emails and e-cards he used to send me everyday.
He roped me in with wonderful back massages and saying "I should do this more often to you" and even going out and buying body scrubs etc.
He roped me in by purchasing wonderful cards and writing beautiful things in them.
He roped me in by telling me he was going to see a professional person to deal with his issues.
He said and did all the right things. And once again I stupidly fell for those cheap words.
Stupid fucking me. So fucking stupid. Because once again I sit hurt and crushed.
I can't tell you the last time he wrote me something that was meaningful.
I can't tell you the last time he gave me a back massage.
I can't tell you the last time we went out for dinner.
I can't tell you the last time he saw his counsellor (but I can tell you since he came back, 9 months ago, he has seen her 3 times).
I can't tell you the last time he sent me a wonderful email or e-card.
I can't tell you the last time he read any of the books that he was so excited about reading, but I can tell you he has not finished one in its entirety.
I can't tell you the last time he made love to me, not just had sex with me, but kissed me passionately and made love to me.
So once again I fell victim to his charming and charismatic ways. He's sitting pretty now. He believes he has me back, so why on earth would he go out of his way to do anything to make me feel loved? Hell, I'd never leave him, he told me so, so why would he even dream of doing anything that even remotely suggested that I was important to him?
And when I try and raise this with him all I get is "It is only ever important if I don't do it." Well you know what? I don't think he deserves to go to the top of the class for telling me the truth. I don't think he deserves to go to the top of the class for spending a little bit of time with me, such as the 20 minutes last week when we went for a bike ride. I don't think he deserves to go to the top of the class for bringing me flowers home after I have a hissy fit at him because I don't feel loved.
I go over this every few months and he NEVER gets it. I am sick to death of going over it. And everytime I have to go over it it makes me feel more and more angry because he NEVER gets it.
Nothing has changed in this marriage. What I have now is exactly what I had two years ago, before his affair. The only thing that is remotely different is there are a further 2 years of empty words and broken promises.
I feel hoodwinked. It didn't work then so why the fuck would it work now?
So I have asked him to leave and was spat a lot of nasty and hurtful comments. So I guess I will be looking for another house.
About Me
- kissmekate
- This blog is my journey through the rollercoaster of emotions experienced when one partner goes beyond the boundaries of marriage. Experience the highs and the lows associated with infidelity, the raw emotion the hurt partner experiences. Who knows how this journey will end....'cause I don't. Come along for the ride and travel the path with me .....it could be an interesting journey!
27 comments:
Wow I really thought you two had it together, I am sorry Kate, I wish i knew the answer, clearly I don't I the loony looking for mr right on rsvp Mahahah.
I have to laff or I'd cry, and I swear I will never cry over a person with a penis ever again. Well not one where I am not important to them anyway...
The only charm I ever get is to get my knickers off, once that's done it seems to me I lose value in their eyes..
I am never taking my knickers off again grrr , bob never treats me that way lol
My response was "ouch" after reading this the first time...after a while I read it again..my response was "OUCH".
Your power is in your voice and in your words Kate, don't let anyone ever take that away from you. Without your words, he cannot hear you....sadly, it doesn't mean he will take notice of them.
Keep strong......as hard as that is.
Sunshine I was NEVER the other woman because I would NEVER allow myself to be the other woman.
He was well and truly single when I met him.
As far as sustainability goes, it was never sustainable to the same degree. However, isn't something sustainable? Even something once a week would be enough.
But I get NOTHING!
I'm really sorry to hear about this Kate. I really thought that things were going well!
Don't feel bad about getting roped! I most definitely would have been roped myself if my cheating husband would have given me back massages, candle lit dinners...would have made love to me..... the memories.... the meeemorrieeeeeess..... *sniff*
Hey Lara over there - Never say Never! I haven't cried for someone with a shlong in ages myself, but then again the schlong, I mean my husband, left me a year and plus something odd months ago - and he took the shlong with him, it's sad but completely true! LOL
I hear ya Sol, but seriously tears spent on someone who doesnt care are tears not well spent. Maybe ive just been dumped too many times now LOL.
LOL Sunshine
Are you mad at me? My comments don't seem to be coming thru?
Wendy the comments on this blog aren't moderated so they should come through. Why would I be mad at you?
Sunshine you are not being too nosey. I am sure you have told me in emails that you have never experienced infidelity, please correct me if I am wrong. But let me tell you, you have such a wonderful insight into infidelity for someone that has not experienced it!
The reassurance thing is exactly what Charlie and I spoke about yesterday. I have changed since his affair and this is something that we also spoke about.
I have changed and my needs have changed. Right now I am very needy, needing reassurance from him. Not everyday, but more than once every three months. He just does not meet my emotional needs anymore.
He argued with me that if we had a busy 2 week period, as we often do, where he did not do those things, then the marriage would once again be over. As I try to explain to him, if there was a healthy reserve then I could get through 2 weeks without problem. It is the same old story isn't it?
Either analogy works...the bucket or the bank. But both have the same principle, of having an emotional reserve. Using either analogy, which ever way you look at it, I do not have anything in reserve.
And for the first time in this relationship I am putting myself first.
Kate, I am so sorry and I understand that needy feeling.
No reason to be mad-just a silly/dumb way of asking that doesn't come across well in type! I probably hit the wrong button or something and lost my comments! Anyway, totally understand that feeling of needing more since the A. I alternate between detachment and neediness. My H sometimes gets irritable but knows there is no one to blame but himself and usually comes around after processing it with less pressure from me. I think tho that having a marriage with one partner on the fence with one leg over is difficult and for a marriage to have any hope of working there has to be committment felt by both parties. For me- I've tried not to think about it as my marriage being over ever but rather as how to go forward in this new space within the marriage, if that makes any sense. I've had lengthy live in relationships and would walk away from those but marriage to me is a special lifelong committment within which we experience all kinds of things, some wonderful some not so.... Kate you have been working so hard, on yourself- you guys have had couples counseling haven't you? I think it's easier for the WH to get caught up in every day life again- Mine says it was such a relief to be out of the A that he feels reborn and wants to distance himself as far as he can. Meanwhile, we are left digesting, traumatized and transformed involuntarily. I have to believe it all is meaningful and for some reason!
For you Kate....
excerpts from;
PTSD and Affair Recovery, Liz Sparks,
"A Link between Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome & Affair Recovery."
A counselor invited a "betrayed" woman to ask herself the question: " And what is the purpose of this?" when thoughts went round in her head. This post is an effort to explain what the purpose USUALLY is, at least in the beginning of recovery. This is (I believe) one of the most misunderstood aspects of affair recovery, by professionals as well as those who live it.
What becomes increasingly apparent to counselors and therapists working with couples recovering from an affair is the similarities with Post Traumatic Stress. And, when you think about it, it isn't hard to see why! When we discover that the person who we are closest to in the whole world has betrayed us in such a way, it is a HUGE TRAUMA! What the betrayed goes through in the early stages is the same as a "victim" of any trauma. Flashbacks, intrusive thoughts, obsessional thoughts, mood swings, sleep disturbances, disturbances in eating and other bodily functions, and the list goes on.
And what we need to recover our "sanity" is the same process too. We need to make sense of our experiences. We need to understand all the pieces of the jigsaw puzzle. This ISN'T part of our craziness, it is part of our healing! One way we do that is to tell the story over and over again. You need to understand how NORMAL this is, and how healing. If you've been a victim of violent crime, you need to tell the story over and over again. A victim of war, in a car accident, BETRAYED, whatever the trauma, we need to re-tell the story, until it losses the power to cause us pain. And we need to gather all the information together, all those small pieces of the jigsaw puzzle, so that we can start to make sense of it all. IT IS ONLY WHEN WE MAKE SENSE OF IT THAT WE CAN STORE IT IN THE RIGHT PART OF OUR BRAIN. Once we can do that, those intrusive thoughts stop and we stop obsessing.
I'm not talking about some fanciful "psychological" argument here. I am talking about NEUROLOGY. What actually happens in our brain. Normal (un-traumatic memories, like what you had for breakfast this morning!) get filed away. We haven't "forgotten" stuff, we've just filed it, so we CAN retrieve those memories if we get asked a question later. Or just because we CHOOSE to think about something. But, traumatic memories don't get filed like that. Due to the high levels of hormones (you know, adrenaline and stuff), the normal function of the brain gets interfered with, and instead of being filed away, they free float, that's why they keep getting in the way. You're driving down the road and suddenly you get slammed by some thoughts. You're trying to get to sleep, and suddenly there you go thinking stuff agan! You're asleep, and bang, a horrible nightmare interrupts it! We go over and over the "facts" and try to make sense of what happened. And we are doing that so we can file them.
So, THAT is the purpose of you thinking those thoughts.
AND YOUR PARTNER COULD BE HELPING YOU RIGHT NOW, HE/SHE COULD BE HELPING FILL IN THE GAPS, so you get to know all the pieces of the jigsaw puzzle.
IN THE EARLY STAGES, with everything so fresh and unresolved, this is all you need to consider.
But, for others maybe, who have been suffering these for many, many months, who have been given all the facts, who have had all the pieces of the jigsaw puzzle, the could be other things going on. Other answers to that counselors question. It's an excellent question and worth asking yourself.
Liz Sparks.
I know I'm definitely NOT over the trauma of infidelity. Yet I'm sure my stbx husband is soo over it.
You know, having Colon suck his dick every single day, while telling him what a wonderful guy he is, and just knowing in the back of his mind that he has Solaris on "reserve", (even though I'm NOT on reserve) is definitely enough to get him right back on track!
And these men expect us to come back to them at the snap of their fingers as if we were second class citizens unable to find other men.
Sometimes I wonder if we as women were programmed to be so stupid. Why do we take them back??
I guess because we are loyal - because we really love(d) them. How can they not understand that they put us in a very humiliating and compromising position?
I suspect because our behaviors give them the high self esteem that they need. Most of these guys who cheat want women to fight and cry over them because it makes their self esteem go up. That's exactly what it is. Most of these guys have self esteem issues and then they blame it on us. Well, they can all go fuck themsleves.
Sorry guys but the comments here put me in a very bad mood.
Wendy - thanks for that article. I agree with it. A year ago, I was very obsessed with what happened to me - besides the blog, I would tell the story over and over and over again until one day someone told me that it's been 7 months that I've been telling the same story. It's amazing how the person who's suffering doesn't notice how long it takes them to get over the trauma of infidelity.
sunshine is so right when she says that we need to get the story out.
I know that since I have been sharing some of my life experiences in my blog, they don't seem so upsetting to me.
I still believe things happen for a reason. I try hard to stay in the moment.
Life is so not always pretty.
wow karam what a great comment, you know it took me a long time to get over the betrayal, not the person but yes the post traumatic period. Its true you do keep trying to work it out so you can put it away. Thankyou for sharing that.
You know, reading this post, and the ensuing comments just break my heart...It's all so resonant with how I feel, and I just have to wonder, why we women put up with being treated this way.
It's not that we're starved for attention; we're all well educated, independent, successful, mature...so why do we keep giving them license to treat us this way? It's not like we love being unhappy...I can understand how it's much more complicated being in a marriage...but what about those of us just in relationships? Why is it so hard to just walk away?
Sometimes I feel so stupid, so weak, so...gullible...for not getting out of this relationship.
Kate are you ok? You haven't posted in a while and I am concerned!
Thanks for caring enough to ask Littlewing.
I am OK and will post in the next few days.
ok Kate, glad you are ok!
dear Kate, I haven't been in your blog for a while now, but today I read this one and it seems we have similar emotions running through us. I too feel hoodwinked because he thinks that since I've turn the other cheek to everything else he's done I will never leave. But just like you, I believe everything in life has its limits and one day I woo will awake fed up and determined to put an end to his lies.
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