The anger has passed. Now the tears have started.
They are flowing like water over a spillway. I can't stop them from sliding down my cheeks. I gasp desperately for breath between my uncontrollable sobs.
I am reliving it all over again.
His betrayal.
The lies.
The deception.
The secrets.
The hurt is unbelievable. I did not think it would hurt this much. But it does.
I can smell the delicious aromas of dinner cooking, but I dare not put food in my mouth. I have been there before and know the consequences.
The bottle is opened and breathing on the bench. I now know what I need to get me through the night and this time I am prepared.
Once again so many unanswered questions, so much pain, so much hurt.
How could you?
What did I do to you?
Why?
10 comments:
Sometimes the answers are ugly, maybe its time he answered them and dealt with the outcome?
I don't think the questions will ever be answered in a way that you could understand, Kate.
Bless you.
I agree with sunshine on this, you have amazing empathy sunshine and I don't doubt for one moment your friends hold you dear and near, your insight is amazing and I always find something in your comments.
That's exactly right: To make himself feel good.
A lot of men tend to measure their self esteem by a woman's "love" and attention. Sad but true.
Big Sigh- Oh Kate! Lots of hugs and wished you didn't have to go thru this. Let all of the pain out. It's so cleansing to cry and you've been holding your chin up enough. Wish I was there to talk as a comrade survivor. Very frustrating to try to comfort thru the internet!
Kate, I wish I could be there with you. Shame on him for bringing all of this on, shame on him for making you feel the way you do and shame on him for not helping you through the healing process. When my X did this to me I was young and stupid. You know what I did.... I waited for him to come home and let him come home to open arms. We never talked about it, he did not apologize for it...nothing. That affair stuck with me for almost 17 years. Then I left. I forgave him, He even earned back my trust after a few years but Kate, I never forgot. Everyday I woke up and at some point during that day, I thought about it. Sometimes now, even though we have been divorced for 5 years and I am very very happily married. I think about it. It is just something that you have to live with if that is what you choose to do. Bless your heart Kate, we all love you and want nothing but the best for you.
Hi Guys,
I think this post is a little misleading now I have read it. I will write another post in the next few days explaining it a little more.
Karin I don't want to think about this in 15 years time. Please tell me that was a slight exaggeration.
I don't want to live with that scar that you can always feel. I don't want to always wonder about the whats, the whens, the hows and the whys.
I struggle everyday wondering what the right thing to do is. I would have thought that by now there would have been some clearer train of thought for me.
But there is not.
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