I have an issue with my in-laws. No real problem there I hear you say as it is a very common occurence to have an issue with the good old in-laws, isn't it? There are not many marriages where the daughter-in-law or son-in-law can honestly say "I get on great with my mother/father in law".
The sad fact is I did get on really well with my in-laws pre affair. So why do I have an issue now?
My in-laws decided to support their son in his choice to have an affair behind my back. Not only did they not tell me about it, or feel the need to get their son to tell me the truth, but my dearest mother-in-law willingly entered into an email relationship with the mistress.
One can only guess what those emails were about...."How's the weather over there?" or "I think I will go shopping today" or even "I cooked roast kangaroo with crispy fried maggots last night for dinner". I think not.
But the content really does not matter, because not only did my husband betray me, but the people who have treated me like their daughter that they never had, also betrayed me.
So I am extremely insecure now when it comes to my mother-in-law. I believe my feelings are justified, but I also understand that this woman is my husband's mother, and I would neither expect nor ask for him not to contact his mother.
What I do have an issue with is the contact being behind closed doors, behind my back. At one stage she would SMS Charlie, asking him to text him back if it was OK for her to ring him, meaning is Kate around? Well if that is not a sign of a guilty conscience I don't know what is!
I am certainly not Miss High and Mighty, but I am sorry, I do not find this is appropriate behaviour at all. It is not appropriate to encourage your child to have secrets from their spouse. It is not appropriate to display deceptive behaviour to your child. No normal mother with morals would encourage their children to participate in behaviour like this.
Or am I over reacting? Does this happen in families today?
So I have requested Charlie keep the contact with his mother out in the open. I have asked him not to call her from his mobile, but to call her from the home phone.
We have had many discussions/arguments pertaining to this simple request, but recently it appeared he finally realised how much it meant to me and told me that my request was fair enough and he would not call her again from his mobile.
I felt relieved and comforted that he was listening to me and was prepared to adjust his behaviour in order for me to feel more secure.
Well Charlie once again knocked the air out of my sails when last week I discovered that he had once again called his mother from his mobile. I confronted him with it.
He tried to tell me that he had not called her to which I simply showed him the call that was made to her mobile from his.
He tried to justify it saying that he misdialled his mother's number. I then asked him who he was trying to call because there was no call made from his mobile for over 3 hours after the one to his mother's number. If it was simply a misdial would he not have then called the person he was originally trying to call?
So it appeared that he was well and truly caught.
He tried to justify it by saying "I just needed to call my mum". My argument.....
"you should have called her from the home phone".
He tried to again justify his behaviour with "It was just 30 seconds", to which I responded "It doesn't matter if it was 30 seconds, 30 minutes or 30 hours. You still went back on your word".
He continued to trivialise my feelings and downplay the significance of the situation, telling me that he did not call her and that he did not know how the call appeared on the phone bill. So I asked for his phone.
He willingly handed it over to me and I went to the call logs, to find that all entries had been deleted. How convenient, but of course Charlie did not know how that happened.
For me this whole scenario was like reliving the day he told me of his affair. The lies and betrayal, the deception and great lengths he went to cover his ass all came flooding back to me.
If he was prepared to lie to me about something so trivial then what else is he hiding from me? He tells me he isn't hiding anything, but how on earth can I believe him? Why on earth would I believe him, when he can't even tell me the truth about a simple phone call to his mother?
He does not have room for failure right now. He does not have room to fuck anything up. He should be telling the truth regardless of consequence, proving to me that he wants to change and that he wants this marriage to work.
If he truly loved me he would not lie to me, he would not hide things from me, he would not try and justify his behaviour. He would change the things that cause the problem instead of trying to justify it. He would be taking ownership of his behaviour and admitting his failings, instead of trying to blame me and trivialising my feelings.
I am so pissed off. I believe it is the one that has broken me. I am still furious and I won't back down. I think he has finally worn out his last chance.
I no longer have anything to give.
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19 comments:
You know, I hate to say it, but checking his phone records, getting into arguments about every breach, etc is all just a huge drain on your energies.
You are a woman of grace and strength. Why not just say to him, "When you begged me to take you back, I asked you for two things - to take me out once per month and to call your mother on our landline. You haven't done either. So why should I trust you or stay with you?"
Then just leave him alone to think about it.
I agree with Emily. I also believe that no matter what, you have to tell your spouse the truth. Why in the world would you want to stay married to someone that you cannot tell the truth to? Why would you want to lie about anything? My husband and I have what we call "total honesty", it is so hard sometimes but always worth it. Please just tell Charlie that if he has to lie to you then he has to be thinking that you are not worth telling the truth to, maybe that will make him think about what he has to say.
I HATE HATE HATE to say this and I want to be supportive, but I just don't know how this will ever work out for you two. I could see if he was giving into your demands and you were rebuilding trust, but he ISN'T. He's not giving you what you need and you are so highly suspicious and untrusting (as you should be) that I don't see how it can ever work. How can you forgive him if you can't even trust him?
You have given him chance after chance and I'm sure in his heart he thinks he is doing right by you - but he isn't. And because he does not see this disparity, I don't see how you can ever bridge the gap.
Kate, for what its worth, I don't think you're overreacting. No parent should condone such behavior, especially considerimg your husband's track record with his previous marriages. The least she should have done was to step back and not get involved, but she DEFINITELY should not have condoned his behavior, or sided with him against you. Not only is she a bad mother, but she's a lousy excuse for a woman.
I read the other comments and it rings very true. At the very least you have to stop checking on him, because it will take its toll on you emotionally and physically. And you definitely deserve better than that.
I think it sounds like all the trust is gone from the relationship, and he is continuing to undermine any chance of restoring it. If he agreed to calling her from the land line, then he should stick to it. But deleting his call records! Lying about it when confronted with the facts! Those, to me, are the real mistakes he made, even perhaps more than getting caught. So sorry to hear it's going this way. As a man, I wish I had something positive to say about his latest behaviour. but I'm afraid I can't think of anything :-(
The golden rule is fess when you caught, these are the lessons we learn as kids, we cop it sweet and we learn hopefully lieing is more trouble than its worth. I think some prefer to taking the trouble road .
Emily I am extremely proud to say that I do not check his phone records like I used to.
I simply check all our phone records because we are on a special plan. I need to ensure he does not use too much of the cap each motnh from his mobile because otherwise any additional calls are astronomically charged. It is a simple "hey you need to slow down a bit with your calls", otherwise like previous months there will be $700 calls made from his mobile for the month.
And I hear you when you say 'why not just say to him'.... It did not start off as a n argument until he tried to justify it and cover his ass by lying about it.
Karin good point about him not thinking I am worthy of the truth.
S* I agree with you 150%. At the moment the fouindations of the 'new' marriage are being poured. I don't think those foundations are stable if lies and deceit are thrown in there.
He has asked for yet another chance I am really do not feel that I have another left to give.
Nalini - again I am really pruud of where I have come re the checking on him. Little by little I was beginning to trust him again, but then it took one incident to undo ALL the work that was carried out. One lie over a simple phone call to his mother.
Nalini thanks also for your support in relation to his mother's behaviour. I don't think you will realise how much that means to me, knowing that someone else agrees with me.
John - your words are also very comforting. Thank you!
Lara - the golden rule is JUST DON"T LIE!!!
His own behavior is making you paranoid. I just don't think it's fair that he has it so easy (being the one who has control over his deceptive behavior), while you wait and see if he tells the truth or not. His behavior is so unhealthy for you.
You know my story with my in laws. They were so nice and supportive of me- even encouraging us to have a baby and wanting to pay for our mortgage, car, etc. Yet, as soon as my husband left me for antoher woman, they trivialized my feelings. They went as far as denying his affair. And yes, it hurts a lot.
What you are feeling is normal - you have every right to feel hurt. For your in laws to carry on a friendship with the mistress while Charlie is still married to you is highly unacceptable behavior.
Kate, you always have my support, but I especially hate it when family doesn't stand by you when they should! I guess its true what they say - 'You can't pick your family'. If parents don't set a good example for their children then who will nurture them?
I had a thought...As Lara said, 'fess up when you're caught...that's the reasonable thing to do. But for certain other people, it is actually easier to lie and lie and lie, then to fess up to it and deal with the conseqences. If it is so deeply ingrained in their character ir makes it very difficult to behave otherwise, however much you want to.
At the end of the day, those sort of people do not make good partners, especially for people who hate lies. Its just another form of addiction, and its not something that can be overcome unless that person chooses to do so, sad as it is.
Kate,
I'm still of the belief that no outside interference should be allowed in your marriage... in-laws, brothers, sisters, etc. No one knows what truly goes on except the 2 of you. they are all entitled to their opinions or which side they want to support... but at the end of the day what 'they' do should not be the issue in your marriage... its just you and him... and you both should try and focus on that. Involving others and blaming their actions makes things impossible to resolve as both are you are not responsible for anyone else but yourselves. I'm not sure this makes sense to you... You should both put aside other's beliefs, values, opinions, stories, comments, etc. and only care about what each other thinks and feels.. that way you can truly work on the issues and not blame anyone else. My husband and I had a couple who were close friends of ours... they got in the middle of our problems and shared their advice, and took sides, etc. We slowly weeded them out of our marriage and now we have less 'issues' without their interference. We still see them but we do NOT tell them any of our personal business... and they have learned not to ask. Cat should keep your marriage problems away from his mother... that way she cannot interfere in what she doesn't know. Try it... suggest it... I will also 'blog' to his site and let him know this. I'm not saying that this would solve your problems... but it would certainly get rid of one of them!
Kym
I would never condone my son lying, and he's just dating girls. I can only say that as a parent it's up to US to set the example and not tolerate any nonsense with lying, and I am shocked that his mother would not only tolerate it but also attempt to bond with the mistress. As grandmother to the kids she should have put her foot down. I don't care how old you are, if your MOM puts her foot down it's down or your a$$ is grass.
Kate, I am just so torn for you. On one hand I want to believe that love can beat all odds...but on the other hand I really hate to see you emotionally beat up like this. Your kids need you to be a happy and relaxed mom and they deserve to live in a home that isn't filled with tension.
Kym I could not agree with you more. It is amazing the differences in us. I don't tell my mother half of what is going on in this house, nor do I divulge the details to my friends.
I do have my best friend here that I tell, and I did tell one of my other closest friends via phone 2 days ago. Many of our friends still do not know about his affair.
I could not agree with you more about keeping his mother out of it. She will have biased views because he is her son, and she has also told me with her venomous spat that she does not believe a word I say. Even her son admitted that was extremely harsh and her opinions are based on what he has told her.
Di... I love your ass is grass comment re your mum. That did make me laugh. I have a great relationship with my mum now, but GEEZ it was bad up until 5 years ago. I have learnt to handle her in a different manner and it has made such a huge difference. SHe STILL pisses me off, but I just don't tolerate her nonsense anymore. I put MY foot down!
Interesting you say about my health though. We had an appointment with our marriage counsellor yesterday. I am feeling very relieved and Charlie is in need of a lot of support.
I am feeling very flat at the moment but will try and write a post about it, perhaps tonight.
LOL well I am glad that I made you laugh a little, laughter is the best medicine!
I hope things pick up for you and Charlie. You both do seem to want to work it out, so long as you have that, even if it's just a tiny itsy bitsy want, so long as you have it I want to believe you two can make it!
Sounds like his Mom should be in counseling! Honesty and respect do not seem to be their family motto.
kate, I wanted to ask you - what was the name of that book that you recommended a while ago? I tried to search your blog, but couldn't find it. thanks!
Hey Solaris,
The book I last recommended was "NOT 'Just Friends' " by Shirley Glass.
It really is a great book for anyone recovering from infidelity.
Is this the one you meant?
The other book that I read was "After the Affair" by Janis Spring. That was also great but I think it is better for the early stages after finding out about the affair.
For you, and the stage where you are, I would probably recommend the Shirley Glass book.
Well worth reading.
hey kate,
I need you to do me a favor.
Can you please visit my blog or read your email. Thanks bud.
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