How many times have you been in a restaurant and returned your meal because it was not what you ordered?
And how many times have you read the menu and your mouth watered as you read the selections?
And how many times have you made your selection and you are hanging to taste the delicacy of your selection, only to be disappointed once it came out?
What would you do if you ordered a medium/well done steak with salad, and they served you a rare steak with chips? Or a char grilled chicken dish with vegetables? Or a pizza? Or even a curry chicken dish?
Would you not return it? Would you not get the waiter's attention and simply say "This is not what I ordered" ?
Well I am having a great deal of trouble at the moment with the things that Charlie is serving me. It is not what I ordered, so why am I expected to accept it with a smile on my face?
I didn't ask for flowers and chocolates. I didn't ask for love notes and SMS messages. I didn't ask for phone calls and loving comments.
So what have I asked for?
I asked Charlie to take me out to dinner once a month, just Charlie and I. Not a work function, not inbetween work functions. Just one simple night each month that I am the centre of Charlie's attention. One night each month, because he wants to take me out, because he wants to spend time with me.
So since he has wanted back into this marriage, since HE came back begging me and pleading with me for another chance, what has he served me?
He has served me side dishes, consisting of flowers, chocolates, love notes, phone calls, all the easy stuff, the stuff that anyone can do without any time commitment.
I know I sound like an ungrateful bitch, but they are not satisfying me. I need my steak before I can enjoy my side dishes. All I am asking for is my husband t spend quality time with me. It's all I have ever asked for, and it is the one thing that I am always left craving.
How selfish am I to ask for one night each month, 12 outings each year? Why on earth would Charlie want to spend one night a month with me, afterall I am only his wife? When you add it all up, that equates to approximately 3 hours each month or 36 hours out of 8760 hours each year. A mere 0.04% of Charlie's life.
And yet here I am being made to feel that I have set unrealistic expectations. Here I am constantly being accused of changing my expectations, or moving the goal posts.
Fact is that I haven't moved the goal posts or changed my expectations. Charlie has taken me out to dinner on one single occasion in the last 8 months, where it has not been a work function or inbetween work functions. Charlie just seems to think that serving me side dishes is enough.
I guess I should just be grateful there is food on my plate. But I am not grateful because this is not my style of restaurant.
Every mouthful I take leaves a bitter taste in my mouth. I struggle to swallow each mouthful. It seems to get stuck in the back of my throat, and no matter how many sips of wine I take it never seems to move.
I don't want to have to fight to have my husband spend time with me. I have fought too long.
I don't want to be angry and hurt for the rest of my life. I have felt angry and hurt for far too long.
I don't want to be resentful because he refuses to find time to spend with me. He always found the time to slip off to the mistress' house. I have no doubt the time he spent in her bed added up to more than 3 hours each month.
Maybe I just need to find a new chef, a chef that wants to spend time with me, that wants to share his world with me, that wants to make me feel special, that wants to love me unconditionally.
Maybe I have set an unrealistic expectation. But somehow I don't think so.
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38 comments:
I understand and I sympathise...you feel like you've been shortchanged, but because he's doing other things to win you back you feel like you can't even complain properly...but men just don't get it sometimes I guess. FWIW, I too feel that one evening a months is definitely reasonable. I would definitely send my meal back!
Oh, and Kate, please try not to think about what happened last year, I know its difficult but thinking about it will only drive you insane. I know its easier said than done, but...it just hurts and doesn't get you anywhere in the end.
I only want peeple to spend time with me if they want too, not because they have too, id rather be alone than have second best
I second what lara said.
I remember feeling that way right before I found out about my husband's affair - only going out whenever the company invited us or "in between" functions. It's a a very hurtful feeling.
It's just terrible to feel angry and sad all the time. Have you spoken to Charlie about your feelings? What does he say?
Lara that is exactly how I feel and whenever I have to throw a tantrum to get him to do anything with me I then refuse to go, because it feels like I was a second thought.
I am not going to fight for his attention. I would rather be single than living a life of married loneliness. I have never felt this lonely in my whole life.
Solaris I have spoken to Charlie about my feelings and all I get back is "What about this" and "What about that?", all the places that I tagged along to because they were his work functions. I go along because they are better than having nothing.
He also brings up buying me flowers etc, so I simply can't win. I don't want flowers or chocolates or love letters. All I want is for him to spend time with me.
He does not get it and therefore I do not get it.
Nevina, I just posted this on Cat's blog:
Ok so I read this...then went to read Nevina's blog
Talk about two people being poles apart right now?
I'll be honest - and please don't flame me for saying this - but are you two part of the same person leading some strange blog life to intrigue your readers?
And why I say this is purely this post vs. Nevina's...or Nevina's vs. this one.
Your words are beautiful here Cat but all Nevina says is that you're not even taking her out for dinner once a month? How hard would that be to give her?
All those declarations of love and he's unable to give you one night a month? How can that be?
Cat responded. Wow. I guess Nevina, hon, if I ate at a restaurant and they got it wrong once, I'd say well they're having a bad day. But if it kept happening then yes, I'd want to change where I eat.
I understand about betrayal, I've been there. And, well, I forgave one person and he saw it as weakness and preyed on it. The other one I said bye-bye and no matter his pleading, I refused to go back.
Sounds like you're getting to the decision stage. Sometimes it's just not worth the continued pain. But at the back of it, too, is admitting to the other woman that she managed to break you guys up. Is that part of why you're hanging in there Nevina? Speaking from experience, it did play a part in why I took that one guy back.
I guess I just want to say...if it's over let it go, be free, find happiness elsewhere. It IS out there, I thought it wasn't but it IS.
I don't read cats blog, I chose this decision because I agree with you fiona, the blogs are worlds apart, and I choose to put my trust in Nevina.
I think I understand what you mean. I dated a guy for 6 years before marrying K. He was a long distance trucker and only in town for a couple days a month. At first I got those days...then it seemed I had reached a point where I was begging for his time. I got tired of asking. Because I didn't want him spending time with me because he HAD to. I felt if I had to ask it just wasn't worth it because I never felt good about myself after.
I don't think that 1 night out a month is asking too much and it seems to me you've made your request pretty clear.
my gosh, what are we resorting to here?? One night a month? That's just too little -call me a brat, but that's just the way I feel.
Thanks for your words of support.
Fiona this marriage has broken down because of Charlie's inability to tell the truth, not because of the affair. The affair was caused because of the patterns of behaviour from both parties, but Charlie refuses to change the things that create the majority of the problem.
I get so angry and hurt because he will not spend time with me, which makes me very hostile towards him. So then instead of stepping out and taking the bull by its horn, he turns his back and runs, blaming me for being in 'one of my moods'.
Its all my fault according to Charlie. I should be happy that he lights some fucking candles and writes me love notes.
Well at the end of the day words are cheap. Really, really cheap.
It sounds familiar. I've been trying to get my wife to spend time with me, just the two of us. One night a month for dinner would be about right, but twice would be better. Our marriage counselor has told us, since the very beginning, to spend time together as a couple. But still nothing. Every now and then I get to drag her out somewhere. But otherwise, she's content to sit at home and knit. It's frustrating. Hope you can find someway to resolve it.
I hear you hon and you're right, words are cheap and easy. Actions speak volumes.
I was with a guy and when it came to the crunch and I said it had to end, because I wanted more than I'd been getting...he said, well you should have TOLD me you wanted x, y and z. I had told him about the things I needed from him. And I said, no, you should have WANTED x, y and z enough to ask me without me making demands every single time...so that was that!!!
I wish you peace in your heart and mind, whatever your decision, whatever your journey. Truth is one of the biggest cornerstones of a relationship. And takes NO EFFORT at all!
Fiona I have made the decision a few weeks back that I no longer wish to be in this marriage.
Charlie will not accept my decision. He willnot move out which is making it oncredibily difficult. He is in denial.
It has gone way beyond reconciliation now. It is detrimental to the well being of all concerned.
Words are very cheap, afterall he promised to love me forever and forsake all others too.
I won't fight anymore, it's just not worth the pain. I won't go out anymore with him, because it is over. I won't answer to him anymore either. It will become a marriage of convenience until such times as I can make alternate arrangements ie find another place to live.
okay, guys, I have to tell you what happened to me here:
My stbx husband's mistress, the nut, forwarded all of our blogs to my central human resources department. She said that I don't do anything but blog all day long at work.
The witch included my boss, who's an executive and one of the major decision makers in the email as well. I am thinking of taking legal action against this crazed nut.
Anyway, I thought that I'd be safe and post the situtation here. This is why I've locked my blog. I wouldn't want for the my boss and central human resources to look at my thoughts. Although a few people have already. Ugh.
It will be temporary, though, when the smoke settles.
Kate, you have experience with this sort of thing, right?
What happens with these situations?? I heard that they go mostly ignored. Did your job ignore the situation when your husband's nutcase mistress attempted to ruin your job?
Solaris my situation is a little different as far as the workplace goes.
I will email you
God...why do people mess up relationships so?
I took my current bf back after he cheated on me and I just don't understand if I'm doing the right thing. Some things have changed for the better but I sometimes read Kate's words and think they were taken from my thoughts..sigh.
I just don't get it, why be in a relationship if its going to be about deception? And why do they say they want to work things out when they can't even do something simple? I'm just so tired of excuses...
Nalini I think alot of the problem is they do not want to confront their issues and hence run from them.
I am not at all interested in a relationship of lies and deception and hence the reason I am walking away. Right now he does not have any room for failure, but he continues to lie and decieve, and not admoit to it. He does not see the enormity of his actions and trivialises it.
Just check out his post today on his blog.....very evident of exactly what I am saying.
I have said time and time again that unless Charlie tackles lying and deceptive behaviour then he will never have a meaninful relationship taht will last a lifetime.
I am wife No. 3, but the issue in this marraige, according to Charlie, lies with me.
PS : don't worry about saying whatever it is that you want to because Charlie does not even have an invite to this blog.
Kate, you are absolutely right about cheating men and their inability to face the issues onhand...I have told my bf so many times that his method of coping is to turn and run.
The thing that I just don't get is this...why do they fight so hard for us not to leave them, yet can't put a quarter of that effort into keeping us? Truth be told, I still do love my bf (which is what makes it so hard) but I am really tired of this relationship.
I understand what you mean about being in this relationship for as long as it suits you. Do you mind if I ask if you still love Rob? Since he doesn't have an invite here it can stay between us girls.
It is as Lara says. My bf talks about how he's trying by spending his free time with me, but I sometimes wonder if he's doing it because he misses me when we're not together, or if he's just doing it for the sake of it.
Oh and Solaris, I'm so very sorry about your situation...its hard enough having to deal with infidelity but its worse when the other woman gets involved and tries to ruin your life...there are some very sadistic and mentally warped people out there...
How do these women manage to track you guys down?
And sorry, but what does 'stbx' mean?
soon to be ex stbx.
took me a while to figure it out too :-)
its not what cat writes about, its about how kate feels, and I feel he misses the mark, and that's where a lot of the hurt comes from.
Nalini I can't answer whether or not I love him anymore. I guess that in itself speaks volumes, but I am not reading too much into it because there are so many layers of hurt and anger that it may well just be clouding the love underneath.
I simply don't know. But what I DO know is that I am not going to remain in a relationship where I have to fight for attention and to be made to feel loved. I am not interested in being involved with someone that has great difficulty in being honest.
One thing has me concerned though Nalini and that is your BF's comment about missing you when you're not there. Is this because he loves you or is it because of 'habit'?
Habits can be broken.
He isn't someone who opens up easily or describes what he feels much...he rather call me up and go 'wanna catch up' or 'I wanna see you' than to say 'I miss you'.
He says his way of showing me he cares is to spend time with me (I should add that he never used to spend much time with me before). My concern is whether he's spending time with me now because he cares/misses me, of its just another mind game.
Oh, and thanx, Lara, for explaining 'stbx' to me. :)
Oh and I do understand about that whole 'one dinner a month' thing...
I think its important for couples to go on 'dates' or spend quality time together. I do see my guy but we usually spend time together on the couch watching a dvd more than we do dinners and movies out. Not much roamance there but he doesn't seem to get it.
"don't worry about saying whatever it is that you want to because Charlie does not even have an invite to this blog."
well hon, he's seeing something in here because he commented back to me on his blog, about something I said in here!!
His comment to me: Be very careful though with your advice. You can read words on a blog and make an educated assessment of what you think is going on, but at the end of the day you're not here living this every day.
My reply: Be careful with my advice? I didn't think I was offering any. Merely making an observation that you two seem in very different places - again based on what the two of you write.
His reply: I'm talking more about the advice on the other side Fi. Things are very delicately balanced and it wouldn't take much to upset the apple cart.
My reply to that: Wouldn't it be for Nevina to offer up such advice to me there?
If the apple-cart is as delicately balanced as you say, and my sharing life experiences in blog comments threatens your marriage, there is clearly a lot more at work here than you are letting on.
She wrote, I commented. I do understand where she is right now.
He's definitely got a way in here, I'd say!!!
Wow well charlie let me tell you this, if someones comments can upset the apple cart, your marriage is already shattered.
I had my comments set to come through my email account. He can't read the posts but he was able to read the comments as it was our shared email account.
I have changed that now to my secondary email account that he does not have access to.
Changed now!
Sunshine I really feel it is too little too late.
Why can he just not see what it is that I am asking for?
The thing that really gets to me is it came easily for him when he was with the mistress. I know I should not compare it because the affair was like an intoxicating drug, the chemical high gives similar symptoms as an addictive drug.
But why was it easy for him to do things to make her feel special? Did she have to scream out for his attention or were the hidden meetings enough for her as well because she was also intoxicated with the same drug?
I KNOW he never took her out for dinner and hardly went anywhere with her in public, they met once at a local tourist attraction and at a pub on St Pat's day and he went to a tiny cafe with her but her work colleague tagged along. These are hardly what I would call quality time, but why were they enough for her?
He sent her numerous emails every work day and called her daily. Why is that enough for her? But why can't he do the same for me, without me having to make a big deal of it?
Why?
Thinking of you Kate ..
Frannie
I had a really long response written, but instead of torturing you with that, here's the main point: Why the hell can't he make time for one freaking night a month that is devoted to you and your relationship?
You shouldn't have to beg to have your basic needs met in a relationship. I have no idea how he can't seem to understand how wrong that is for a marriage.
naivenomore that is what my relationship has always been like.
I get to the stage where I am so desperate for some form of attention that I fill my life with insignificant things in the hope that they fulfill me.
You don't need to guess the outcome. I am exhausted and totally unsatisfied with my life.
ugh, kate, your feelings remind me of my own when my husband started to see Colleen while living with me. What a nightmare feeling that is, truly a nightmare to compete for attention. ugh I felt nothing but suicidal back then.
Well, Kate, at this point you have to do what's best for you. One thing is for sure, and that is that you cannot continue to live this constant hellish of an emotional and mental stress. It's not good for you or the children.
As a married woman, you have to be number one, no excuses. If he can't give you what you want, then he's not giving you anything. It makes me upset that wives have to feel as second class citizens. Either he's in the marriage or he's not. If he really, really wanted the marriage, he should just comply, what's so hard? When men are in love, they usually "bring down the moon" for women - not make excuses. Is he really making excuses, or doesn't his job allow him enough free time?
Nalini - thanks for your compassion. Yes, it is hard to deal with a psychotic mistress, believe me. I hope that neither you or any of the girls here ever have to deal with them.
Aghhhhh, kill me now, I seriously hate computers. I just spent ages writing a wonderful, deep, insightful comment to you Kate, was almost finished and my computer chucked a complete psych and started redirecting to another site or something and I lost it. Is there a lost comment heaven somewhere? If you find it let me know. Its late and I'll have another go at it another day. Hang in there.
I have a g/f who is greek, not that their is anything wrong with being greek, you just dont want to be with her when the waiter gives her a meal that does not exactly, precisely fit the menu description. She is very embaressing in public displays, I just walk away if I can or apologise to the waiter/waitress for having to serve our table.
Personally unless my meat is bleeding I just eat up and shut up, I may even give that restaurant another chance, but if they keep failing to deliver what they promise I just dont go back for more.
Sunshine - dont ya hate that? Sorry to disappoint you but it has not appeared in cyberspace.
Solaris I feel the same way about men in love. If they were in love nothing would be too much to ask.
The last week here has been unbelievable. I will write a post soon.
It does sound like he is beginning to see what you want and need. I guess with an affair you have to ask what was it that he needed that he found with her. I'm guessing that words is one of his main love languages as he often mentions writing you notes etc. So perhaps it was that.
I know that a big part of my journey with my husband involved me loving him in the way he needed.. also with words. I honestly had to force myself, because at the time I didn't feel it and it was so incredibly foreign for me to do so. I was very critical of him. I thought I was a realist. But I think sometimes we can create our reality by the words we speak- they hold enormous power.
It was not a smooth or short road for us. We stumbled often, and endured a lot of pain. But over time the good times got better and longer and the bad times got shorter and less frequent.
The hardest thing for me was that feeling of here we are again- back at square one, this isn't working. And the terrible fear that things would never change. Because for so long the changes seemed so minuscule and the bad stuff seemed to stay the same.
But eventually the good started to outweigh the bad and we got better at focusing on the good and picking ourselves up and dusting ourselves off and moving on after a bad patch.
I hate what we have put our kids through, although we tried to keep it private it can't help but spill over onto them. But they are grateful now that we stuck together and made it work.
Kate - Sorry I haven't been around in a while. Been horribly sick for quite some time.
It sounds to me like Charlie is screaming loud and clear that it - YOU - don't matter enough. Words are nothing unless you have the actions to back them up.
SOLARIS - Are you kidding?! What kind of wacko would do such a thing?
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