The last few weeks have been hell. We are back to the same place we were before he had his affair.
Same issues. Same patterns of behaviour.
We don't talk. We don't do anything together. We share nothing.
He is never here. He never takes me out. He never tries to connect with me.
I feel lonely. I feel angry. I feel abandoned. I feel rejected.
This afternoon we talked.........about divorce.
I no longer want to spend my days feeling unloved, rejected, abandoned.
I want to be happy with a smile on my face. I want to enjoy each day I have with my kids. I want to experience life instead of just existing.
I want to be me again.
And I can't be me with him.
He doesn't want to leave. He believes our marriage can still be saved. He wants to win me back. He wants to make me feel special.
But as he said these things to me I did not feel a thing. I have heard it all before, his hollow statements and empty promises. I am not interested anymore in being married to him.
He asked me how I was going to do it. I don't know.
He asked me what I was going to do re employment. I don't know.
He asked me what I was going to do in relation to living arrangements. I don't know.
What I do know is that I can no longer live each day in so much pain, feeling so much anger, feeling so unloved, so lonely, so empty.
Tomorrow we are closing joint bank accounts and signing over assets and Charlie will begin to look for soewhere to live.
19 comments:
It's not the words that come from the mind or mouth that helps us love, its the message from the heart..
So sorry to hear it Kate- you've been working so hard for so long! Wish there was something I could do to help. You are strong and can be successful whatever you decide to do!
I agree with akakarma. I'm sorry that you have to go through this. Divorce is extremly painful, so weigh your options carefully. Just my two cents.
Solaris the choices I have are to divorce and move on with my life, with some chance of being happy, or stay living in a marriage where my needs are not met.
I have lived in this marriage for many years now where my needs are not met. I am tired and emotionally exhausted. I am angry. I am hurt.
I wish to move on from this place where I am at, and I do not believe I can do this whilst married to my husband.
Don't get me wrong....I am hurting.
Really hurting.
I cried as I read this. So many posts have been and gone but the hurt is still the same.
I am reminded of your beautiful post "silently turn the page", it too made me cry. So much love mixed with so much hurt.
Remember your strength Kate. My thoughts go out to you.
That is exactly right Lady Penelope and if I don't change it, it won't change.
I need to change it but it is killing me.
I'm sorry it hasn't worked out for you. It does seem like you and Charlie are going around and around, dealing with the same concerns that can't be permanently fixed. At least it seems like you have given your relationship every opportunity to heal. I'm sorry it hasn't.
Kate - you must do what's best for you. I gave you advice based on my own experience - something that I probably shouldn't have done.
What I think is painful is our husband's cheating on us - bottom line. Everything after involves a lot of healing because the damage was done.
How you choose to heal is up to you. I just didn't have a choice. I don't feel as sad as you do today, but the onset of the divorce was excruciating - at least to me.
Kete, so sorry that you haven't made it. It's certainly not from want of trying. I hope you will find the happiness you deserve.
I'm still struggling with my own demons, but we are definitely in a better place than a few months ago.
Take care.
That should, of course, be Kate! Fingers aren't working too well today!!
You'll be in my prayers. I admire you that you have tried so hard to put the pieces back together. But it takes two.
I've heard divorce isn't easy, but neither is living with the daily pain. The mistress hasn't made this any easier for you either.
Kate, I am sad to hear of the turn of events... While there is much to consider between you and Charlie, this has such a strong impact on your beautiful children.
I hope and pray that any forthcoming change can be done as gently as possible to reduce the hurt feelings for all involved.
Children often don't speak of their concerns and hurts in all of this. As a teachers aid I have been surprised to be confronted by my son's classmates on divorce related issues and assumptions. Silence does not mean they are OK.
I wish I had useful advice in this area, but it is something I am struggling with... I do know that flexible and easy access to both parents is extremely important for children even if it becomes uncomfortable for the adults.
Take care Kate...
I'm so sorry to read this, Kate. You and I have often been in exactly the same place in our relationships and though it is a painful place to be (that I wouldn't wish on anyone) You have made my life a bit less lonely just by letting me know that I have sadly not been alone in my struggle.
You have certainly worked hard at this relationship and I respect your decision to move on.
I know this is way late, but I am sorry for what you are going through.
I'll hold you in my prayers. Wish I could do more.
Hi, Kate. I was just hoping for an update... I'm thinking of you.
Is this how the story ends? You stop posting and Charlie goes private? If so, I wish you both well. Whatever your future holds, I hope it is more good than bad.
I agree with John,,,this is how it ends?
Are you absolutely sure? If so, good luck. But be sure to think every single step through before you do anything.
It's so sad.
Meg
Sometimes it not a bad thing for you to be alone for the right reasons. You have your kids and you have yourself. As much as it hurts, now is the best time for you to reach down inside, pick yourself up, and go on. I promise it will make you stronger and happier.
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