Fading away

The last few weeks have been hell. We are back to the same place we were before he had his affair.

Same issues. Same patterns of behaviour.

We don't talk. We don't do anything together. We share nothing.

He is never here. He never takes me out. He never tries to connect with me.

I feel lonely. I feel angry. I feel abandoned. I feel rejected.

This afternoon we talked.........about divorce.

I no longer want to spend my days feeling unloved, rejected, abandoned.

I want to be happy with a smile on my face. I want to enjoy each day I have with my kids. I want to experience life instead of just existing.

I want to be me again.

And I can't be me with him.

He doesn't want to leave. He believes our marriage can still be saved. He wants to win me back. He wants to make me feel special.

But as he said these things to me I did not feel a thing. I have heard it all before, his hollow statements and empty promises. I am not interested anymore in being married to him.

He asked me how I was going to do it. I don't know.

He asked me what I was going to do re employment. I don't know.

He asked me what I was going to do in relation to living arrangements. I don't know.

What I do know is that I can no longer live each day in so much pain, feeling so much anger, feeling so unloved, so lonely, so empty.

Tomorrow we are closing joint bank accounts and signing over assets and Charlie will begin to look for soewhere to live.

Choices

I have a choice to make.

Either I choose to continue to live my life
constantly being hurt and let down by my husband,
or I walk away with nothing.

Either way, life sucks.

Fragile

Battered and bruised I feel like I have nothing left. No part of me is unscathed. I wear the bruises of the betrayal that has been thrust upon me. I still bleed and many days I cry uncontrollably.

My day to day life is still rocked with pain, anger and scepticism. Every sense is on full alert, just waiting to come to life.

As one injury begins the slow healing process, another part of me tears open after the slightest knock, and once again I bleed uncontrollably.

Despite the many band aids that have been applied to my wounds, I remain extremely fragile.

My blog is my sanctuary, a place for me to vent my anger at my husbands betrayal as I slowly pick up the pieces of my life.

My world was shattered by the selfishness of my husband and a woman who thought she had the right to enter into a relationship with my husband, a woman who basically threw herself at him, buying him christmas gifts before they were even involved, emailing him after she attended a promotional function that MANY local residents attend each year, and even inviting him to a party she was holding at her place of residence.

This woman went and booked herself an interstate plane flight and accommodation without his knowledge when she found out he was going interstate. She could not afford to put food on the table for her children, but yet used her child support to pay for a plane flight and accommodation to spend less than 24 hours with her lover.

This woman continued to email and call despite his return to the marriage. This woman called my mother in law to beg her to talk to her son to get him to leave me once again and go back to her. This woman emailed my husband's work colleagues, announcing to them that she was his mistress.

This woman was desperate in many ways and has continued to make my life hell by hacking into my emails and blog accounts, following me through blogland, posting on the blogs that she KNOWS I read.

My confidence has been shattered along with my belief in people. I am trying to rebuild my confidence in people but struggle. So I come here, to my blog, to vent and gain support from those cherished readers that have helped me through the worst 12 months of my life. You don't know me, but somehow you feel my pain. You comfort me without judgement.

It pains me that as I begin to rebuild my trust in people that once again my world is shattered by a person that I thought would not betray me, a person I thought cared, a person I thought I could trust.

A fellow blogger has shone her light on many of us in our moments of need and we have all looked up to her when we have been down. But all is not what it appears. Those words of wisdom that she gives, just like rays of sunshine, burn if you get too close, and once again I wear the blisters and pain.

She is a friend of the mistress. I can deal with that, because I am not judgemental. I do not have a problem with her having access to this blog because she told me that I could trust her.

Stupid me.

Naive me.

I believed her.

I recently read her blog and realised that the anonymous comments on her blog were from the mistress. The mistress has a very distinctive writing style so it was clearly obvious to me. I did not want to tread on toes, this was a friend of the mistress and I had no right to expect the friend to take my side. Nor did I wish to leave myself open for any further pain.

So I sent her an email, an email that showed my willingness to be mature about things, an email that showed my willingness to reside in blogland without wanting another round of problems, an email that really does show that I HAVE moved on.

It read:

From: Kate Jones
Sent: Tuesday, 28 August 2007 8:54 AM
To: other blogger
Subject: RE: It is you!

Hi Other blogger,

Nothing more to explain re my statcounter. It was just a mystery stat reading my invitation only blog that was showing up as a (my hometown) address......and it was you! Case complete!

We are going to counselling on a fortnightly basis and it really is going well. We both get a lot out of the sessions and Charlie is starting to take FULL responsibility for his behaviour and the way he has treated me over the last 10 years. Don’t get me wrong , because it has not all been bad. We had a very strong relationship and were very much in love. We just drifted apart after the birth of our last child and I once again succumbed to post natal depression. Charlie just did not know how to cope and as a result turned his back and channelled his energies into other areas, which in turn made me worse because I just needed him.

“do this on a good day though”

Oh how wise you are! I still have bad days, or possibly I can now safely say bad spells, because they are no longer days in length.

I have been reading your blog as always. I love reading your blog and your comments because you are so insightful and full of wisdom and sunshine.

However, it is very obvious to me that your anon commenter is 'the mistress'. I am not going to tread anywhere that may cause me grief, so as much as it upsets me, I can no longer comment on your blog. Please rest assured that I will continue to read your posts only ( not interested in reading the comments), with a smile on my face.

I also understand if you should choose not to read my blog anymore, not that I get much of a chance anymore to write :-(

But I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart for being so supportive with your emails and comments during what has been the worst 12 months of my life.

Take care
Kate


So when someone sent me links today to the new blog of the mistress I was rather upset to see that this very same person had gone back on her word of not discussing me with the mistress. Not only did she discuss me, but she sent the mistress details of the email I had sent to her.

"With regards to the other, I had a very interesting email the other day regarding the anon comments on my blog. I'll email you."

and then

"Full explanation should be in your inbox now ;)"

I cannot understand how one can so quickly and easily break the trust between another. I am a woman of my word, so simply cannot fathom how one can do such a thing and betray someone so easily. How do you just break someone's confidence like that?

It would be so easy for me to post details of the emails shared with certain others that would incriminate them beyond comprehension. I can assure you someone who recently stated "You are my favourite aussie blogger" would run with their tail between their legs if I posted details of some of the things that they told me in confidence about their "favourite aussie blogger".

But you know what? Despite the circumstances I just could never break that confidence. I could never go against my word and stab them in the back. I could never sleep at night knowing that I broke their confidence and trust.

I guess it is a matter of integrity and I have come to learn that people that are so willing to become the third person in a marriage, and those that support them in doing so, seem to lack the all important factor of integrity.

It really is a small world

Isn't blogland amazing? The fact that you can sit at your computer and write down your thoughts for people in other countries to read is amazing.

These are people that you have never met, people that you are not likely to meet, people that typically do not judge you, people that offer you words of wisdom and comfort.

I have discovered just how small this world really is and regardless of what people say and how they appear can be very misleading.

Remember this post about the blogger I had some issues with?

Well, I know for a fact that the Mistress herself has emailed her, inviting her to read her blog.

Don't quiet know what to make of this information, but thank those readers that watch my back. Please excuse me whilst I go and remove the knife that has been plunged so viciously into my back.

Amazing! Astounding! Unbelievable!


................................................................
UPDATE UPDATE UPDATE

My statcounter

(Telstrainternet44)- Me and my access to "Froot Loop in my shoebox"
2nd September 2007 13:01:51
No referring link
frootloopinmyshoebox.blogspot.com/2007/08/pieces-don-fit-anymore_31.html
3rd September 2007 10:37:28
No referring link
frootloopinmyshoebox.blogspot.com/2007/08/lie-that-you-live.html
3rd September 2007 10:52:29 www.blogger.com/publish-confirmation.g?blogID=1023364929164324442&postID=6635615735230272484×tamp=1188780728393&javascriptEnabled=true
frootloopinmyshoebox.blogspot.com/
3rd September 2007 11:05:39 www.blogger.com/posts.g?blogID=1023364929164324442
frootloopinmyshoebox.blogspot.com/
3rd September 2007 12:10:02 www.blogger.com/home
frootloopinmyshoebox.blogspot.com/

ppp-50-68.local ISP provider.net.au ( Internet Service Provider Australia) Invited reader [Edit Label]

(SOME PLACE) Australia, 0 returning visits

Date Time WebPage
3rd September 2007 07:59:10 No referring link
frootloopinmyshoebox.blogspot.com/

But somehow mistress has blogged on her blog about my recent post. Look at the snapshot below, taken from the mistress' blog.

It's already started....37 minutes ago by mistress
.....and before anyone goes getting too excited..... Yes - last week I could not resist emailing XYZ. How did I find XYZ? Apart from the fact that I was a reader of her blog earlier this year, and really enjoyed her style of writing ...
Mistress's blog- http://........blogspot.com/
[ More results from mistress's blog ]

So given that NOBODY has accessed my blog according to statcounter (check the times I have highlighted....no-one has accessed the blog between me and a regular reader), and Mistress DOES NOT have an invitation to my blog, is it safe to assume she is hacking in to my blog and reading the posts? Otherwise how else is she getting the information?

Well read this Mistress.......you are one fucked up woman, who is digging her own grave. I DO NOT want to be a part of your sick world so just FUCK OFF and leave me be.

Deal with your obsession and MOVE ON WITH YOUR LIFE.

The Pieces Don't Fit Anymore

"The Pieces Don't Fit Anymore"
by JAMES MORRISON

I've been twisting and turning, in a space that's too small
I've been drawing the line and watching it fall
You've been closing me in, closing the space in my heart
Watching us fading and watching it all fall apart

Well I can't explain, why it's not enough
So I gave it all to you
and if you leave me now
Oh just leave me now
It's the better thing to do
It's time to surrender
It's been too long pretending
There's no use in trying
When the pieces don't fit anymore
The pieces don't fit here anymore

You pulled me under, I had to give in
Such a beautiful mess, thats breaking my skin
Well I hide all the bruises, I hide all the damage thats done
But I'll show how I'm feelin, until all the feeling has gone

Mmm,
Well I can't explain, why it's not enough
Coz I gave it all to you


And if you leave me now
Oh just leave me now
It's the better thing to do
Well it's time to surrender
It's too long pretending
There's no use in trying
When the pieces don't fit here anymore
The pieces don't fit here anymore

Mmm,
Oh don't misunderstand, how i feel
Coz I've tried, yes I've tried
Still I don't know why
No I don't know why, I don't know why
Why I can't explain, why it's not enough
I gave it all to you and if you leave me now
just leave me now it's the better thing to do
Well it's time to surrender
It's been too long pretending
There's no use in trying
When the pieces don't fit here anymore
The pieces don't fit here anymore

The pieces don't fit here anymore

Its funny, because for someone that usually has plenty to say, I have sat here for nearly an hour and have so much to say but just can't seem to get it out.

I can't find the words right now.

Sorry guys.

Footprints in the Sand

by Mary Stevenson.

One night I dreamed a dream:

I walked along the beach with Jesus.

Across the sky flashed scenes from my life,

and in each scene I noticed two sets of footprints in the sand:

one belonging to myself, and the other to the LORD.

When the last scene of my life flashed before me,

I looked back at the footprints in the sand,

and noticed that many times, along the path of life,

there was only one set of footprints.

I also noticed that the single set of footprints

happened at my very lowest times in life.

So, I questioned the LORD:

"Jesus, when I chose to follow you,

you promised to walk beside me all the way.

But I noticed that during my most trying times,

there is only one set of footprints in the sand.

Why would you leave me, when I needed you most?"

The LORD replied:

"My precious child,

I love you and would never leave you.

During those times of trial and suffering,

when you saw only one set of footprints in the sand,

those were the times . . . I carried you."

Why is it, in our times of need, we push those closest to us away?

Why do we have trouble allowing people to support us and help us?

I look back on my marriage and can clearly see where a lot of problems began. I needed Charlie to support me. I needed Charlie to walk alongside me. I needed Charlie to carry me when the path became too hard.

He didn't know how I needed him......because I never told him.

He didn't know how to cope........so he turned his back.

He didn't know I loved him.........because I never told him.

One of the greatest lessons we have learned is how to support each other, how to be there for the other person, how to not turn away and leave that person isolated and alone.

Mystery solved!

The mystery stat has been solved.

Thanks for your comments guys.

It actually threw the owner of the IP address too, because she saw her stats and the town it was showing up as as well, and was rather baffled herself.

Rest assured it is one of the most wonderful blog friends that we have, so please do not be alarmed if she appears on your stats!

Like a piece of trash

We had another session with out marriage counsellor yesterday. As usual we both got a lot out of it.

Last night I could not help but think about something that Max said during our session.

Charlie said "I just don't want to lose my girl."

Max responded with "You have already lost her. You are trying to win her back."

And as I got in my car yesterday and drove away I could not help but think how wrong both of them are.

The reality is Charlie gave me away. Like a piece of trash, he cast me aside and threw me on the pile

............and walked away.

The lie that you live

I have become the subject of a post written by the woman who inspired my last post. What I find astounding is that my last post was extremely generic, a vent really, not directed toward any particular one person, apart from a couple of sentences relating to the other blogger I was referring to.

My post was not attacking, nor accusing. And yet, I have become the subject of a rather direct post. Despite the requests, I will not identify this blogger, unlike her good self who republished my comment and username, drawing attention as to who the commenter was, after I deleted my comment. To be honest, it does not phase me in the slightest, because this is an invite only blog, so no-one apart from those invited has access. But the searches for my username and blog have almost doubled according to my stats.

Here are some snippets from the post.

"and I certainly won't stand by and let anyone label the love of my life as a liar"

I can safely label this man as a liar. At no stage would this man have said to his wife "Hey honey, I am just slipping out to go and screw my mistress" , or "I need to go to XYZ for a business trip and I will be shagging my mistress while I am there" , would he?

"Not all of us have ended up loving a liar, as you obviously have."

Sorry to tell you.....but you obviously are too.

"And please don't deny it, you've accused him of being just that, time and time again on your blog."

Never have denied it and certainly would never deny it. However, with professional counseling my husband has come a long way in relation to realising how destructive lying can be. For the first time in a long time I can actually sit here and honestly say I believe my husband.

Can you believe your man when he tells you he won't sleep with anyone else whilst you are apart? He slept with you whilst married, what's stopping him from doing it to you, when you can't scratch his itch whilst you are 1000's of miles away?

"and a post on her own blog tearing apart my whole relationship for the entertainment of her followers"

My post was a generic rant about the fact that I will never be able to understand the way a third person in a marriage thinks. I have not torn your relationship apart for the entertainment of my followers.

"As for calling her sad and bitter, that is merely reflecting what she herself says"

Sad??? Definately.

But bitter??? Not on your life.

I have actually moved through many of the processes of grief and I can sit here and truly state that the mistress has made me and my marriage stronger. We still have a very long way to go, but at the end of it my marriage will be better than it ever was, and better than what a lot of married people could only ever hope for, something an illicit relationship can NEVER offer.

"Good lord, what on earth has she been exposed to, or surrounded by, to have such a warped outlook on life?"

Having a moral outlook on life could only be deemed as a warped outlook on life by someone that takes the path less travelled, the one that goes against the moral grain of the majority of society, the one that goes against the teachings of the bible itself.

"Oh, and please don't presume to know that I haven't suffered betrayal. I have."

This makes it even worse to know that you yourself have suffered the emotional trauma of infidelity, and then willingly inflict that upon someone else.

Do you not remember the effect that it had on you? Do you not remember the many sleepless nights? Do you not remember the many days where you could not drag yourself out of bed because you could not face the day? Do you not remember the many days where the tears would not stop flowing? Do you not remember the constant headaches because of the constant crying?

And you willingly and knowingly inflict this upon someone else? THAT disgusts me.

"I fully expected to lose readership after " (a post where she tells her readers she is a mistress).

If what you were doing was the right thing then why on earth would you expect to lose readers? The fact remains that you KNEW what you were doing was wrong, but you willingly chose to continue the illicit relationship.

"I definitely thought that reader would be the first to stop coming by. I have to wonder why she continues to read something that so upsets her. If my activities irk her so badly, why keep reading? Does she need some sort of scapegoat for her own deficiencies in her relationship?"

I continued to read your blog because I love the way you write. I love the way you describe things and the imagery that you create with your words.

You made your relationship sound so wonderful and I can even remember the comment I left prior to finding out that if you have a love like that to nuture it and never let it go.

I missed my daily dose of your blog and so I made the decision to continue to read after finding out the truth about your relationship, because I did NOT want to cast judgement.

I hoped that you would help me see and understand why people find themselves in these situations. I wanted to learn from you and gain a greater understanding. Perhaps, just perhaps, maybe you could give me a greater acceptance of women who fall in love with a married man.

But I can now thank you because you have taught me one of the greatest lessons in life, and given me a fabulous insight into the train of thought of a mistress.

Your comment "I read her blog because I actually find it in turn to be amusing, enlightening and naive" proves exactly what sort of person you are.

To find someone's emotional turmoil "amusing and enlightening" is abhorent to say the least.

Now I could remove your invitation with the click of a mouse, but I would hate to take away some of the joy in that lie that you live called your life.

I just don't get it!

Why oh why do third persons in marriages believe that their love is the absolute love? Why do they not see the forest for the trees?

Why do they justify their illicit relationships?

Why do they believe that they can give the other person the love that 'they never received' from the spouse?

Why do they believe that their relationship is not based on lies?

Why do they believe that they will live happily ever after?

Why do they believe they can tell you that "you don't know the whole story"?

Tonight I was called "sad, bitter Kate" on another persons blog, a person who has been having an adulterous affair, a person that believes they have the greatest love of all mankind, a person that believes they will be together forever.

Well the stats are against these types of relationships. Less than 10% of adulterous relationships survive once the adrenalin rush and the forbidden lust filled pleasure subsides.

So tonight I might just go and pick up a double barrel shotgun and go and shoot someone in cold blood. I guess I could always justify it by saying "I didn't like what he was wearing" or even "He looked at me the wrong way". But as long as I justify it I guess that makes it right. Doesn't it?

OK.... I agree a little bit different to committing murder. EVERYONE knows that murder is wrong, but why do some people not see that getting involved with someone that is attached is also wrong? Why do some people think it is their right to fuck anyone that they so desire?

The aftermath of infidelity for the betrayed spouse is EMOTIONAL MURDER. Every part of their being is shattered and some people NEVER recover from the hurt of infidelity.

How could ANYONE want to inflict this pain on another human being? Why would you do it?

And in my eyes the person that willingly enters into any form of relationship with a married person, subsequently providing the platform to commit adultery, is no different to the cheater.

Pick up any book on infidelity and they all say the same things. I think they should write a book especially for mistresses to get a true insight into what their relationship is exactly.

But I guess until they take their rose coloured glasses off then they will never see the relationship for what it is.

I need a fucking glass of red.

Like a piece of elastic

I have had so many people ask me about it, so I thought I would fess up.

The bathroom pic.......it's her bathroom.

However, it was before she purchased the residence so technically speaking it was not hers. And the pic was on the internet and there was no ownership or copyright clause attached to it, so I have broken no law.

OK, OK, I am clutching at straws with my technical details, but I am just so sick of this. I lashed out. I snapped.

Just like a piece of elastic that has been stretched too far for too long.....I snapped!

It was a reaction to something nasty that she once again subjected me to, but it was no excuse. But hey, it is not as though she can be identified from that picture. She has done by far worse to me and Charlie, such as placing a link to my original blog on Charlie's work blog that is linked to his work website (remember he is in a high profile position in our town), so I had around 500 hits a day on my blog from people in my home town reading.

But if you ask her she will tell you that she did not do it. The same as she was not responsible for hacking in to my email account and deleting the emails that the 'friends' sent me. Nor was she responsible for those three phone calls at 10pm whilst we were away, nor was she responsible for all the truly nasty and vindictive comments left throughout blog land attacking me. And of course she didn't set up the profile for Charlie on 'Desperate Wife.com' using a username and password that Charlie often uses, the same ones she knew about.

Oh and whatever would possess me to even believe that she was out to get me sacked from my job? Besides her telling me that she was not going to lay down until I was sacked and also copying me in on the emails that she sends to a department that deals with internal investigation, I do not know where I could possibly get any such idea. It's simply ridiculous, isn't it?

I have stood in this ring for 12 months. Everytime she has given me an uppercut I have stood in that ring and taken it, with very little reaction. But after 12 months of constant pummelling I snapped and lashed out.

The difference is though, at least I have the decency to admit what I did and own up to it. I didn't have to do that, did I?

The mistress is a victim

There has been more contact from the mistress...or from her 'friends'.

I wonder if these are the same four 'friends' that sent me those emails last year, the same 'friends' that hacked in to my email account to delete the three emails that were sent to me, the same 'friends' that also hacked in to my statcounter to remove it from my blog, the same 'friends' that hacked into my blog account to delete the comment that the mistress sent me to get me to read her 'tell all' blog, the one that contained intimate details of the affair along with details of my sexual relationship with my husband.

'Friends' just would not be bothered in harassing people that they were not directly involved with. 'Friends' would not be obsessed about a situation that did not involve them. I know my friends would never be interested in stalking the mistress because she did ME wrong. 'Friends' would not hold so much hatred towards someone that they barely knew.

'Friends' would not have any interest or desire to become involved in activites that are ILLEGAL. And furthermore, true 'friends' would not put the mistress in constant jeopardy of being charged with a criminal offence.

Surely these 'friends' must realise they are making it worse for the mistress. This is the sole reason I do not believe for one nano second that it is the 'friends', but whole heartedly believe it is the mistress herself.

So this time 'they' have contacted Charlie's workplace and left another 'karma train' comment, only in the field they had to fill in as thier contact address, they used MY home address.

This time they have sent another 2 nasty and threatening comments to Charlie and me through his blog.

Yes I have passed them on to my local police, but see there in itself lies a problem. Mistress has a friend who is a friend of one of the officers at my local station. As one of the comments sent to Charlie's blog indicated, it is obvious that the information I provide to the police is being passed on to the mistress. That in itself is a CRIMINAL OFFENCE for an employee to leak information about an active investigation, so that has also been reported.

So for the moment Charlie and I laying low. Charlie has made the decision to close his blog down due to the nature of the threats and based on passed behaviours of the mistress we certainly do have reason to be worried.

This woman wants to desperately make herself out to be a victim. Well she is a victim, to a certain degree.

She is a victim of her poor choices. She is a victim of her low morals. She is a victim of her self esteem. She is a victim of the underlying issues that control her life.

But she is NOT a true victim in this situation. SHE made the choices that she did. SHE knew he was married. SHE knew he came back to me, but SHE continued to email and call.

SHE JUST NEEDS TO GET OVER IT AND MOVE ON!!!!!

My stars for today.....

It's time to move on. If you have lost a battle, it doesn't mean that you have lost the war. If you have won it, you can't rest on your laurels, either. A long, exhausting struggle has taken a lot out of you. No matter what it has led to or where it has left you, there is now a different set of circumstances to take into account. If you keep trying to hold an argument that has all but run its course or to retrace steps that have already been taken, you may miss your new opportunity to head in a more rewarding direction.

Who needs enemies ......

With friends like these?

The Karma Train said...

This post could almost make a person sad.

No doubt you are suffering.

Possibly what you and and your wife (lets call you dumb and dumber) should have done was keep it to yourselves.

It's not as though a blind eye wasn't turned to many of your ridiculous activities.e.g. the bathroom photo (exhibit L - Supreme Court of Australia - Mistress V Dumber 02/05/2008)

Keep pushing buttons....and one day either the lift door will open or maybe something will explode????

Do you want to know who I am? More to the point, let me TELL you who WE are, we deliberately don't hide our IP this time.

We are four friends of the person who's life you almost ruined. You have met 2 of us....in fact one of us drove you to the airport!

We've got news for you Mr Cat....the Karma Train is coming. You can't treat people the way you do and just walk away leaving the destruction behind you without one day suffering some consequences.

Thu Jul 26, 07:32:00 PM 2007

So this is a comment left on Charlie's blog.

All I can say is that another question of mine has now been answered in its entirety.

I questioned whether Charlie left her or she left him. He swore black and blue that he called it off. But there were always doubt in my mind.

And so this 'person' has answered that for me by stating he walked away.

As a consequence I am not all that upset by this comment. I thank her from the bottom of my heart because another piece of the puzzle now fits. Another question laid to rest, no longer able to plague me with its uncertainty.

I am just upset because the harassment continues.

With a grain of salt

I read my stars every day but always take them with a grain of salt. I never give them a second thought once I read them.

There are so many times you read those words on the page and see something in them that relates to you and your situation. How clever these people are to make them so generic that just about every reader can read something into them. I mean let's face it, have we not ALL had some form of hurt in our life? Is there not ALWAYS some form of negative situation in our life?

Or is that just MY life?

Well, I read my week ahead forecast and as usual can see those words were written for me. But once again I have placed them at the back of mind.

Your Week Ahead Forecast: The New Moon in your opposite sign has brought an era to an end. From now on you will enjoy a very different relationship with a particular individual. It will still be a relationship. And I have used that word 'enjoy' deliberately. The changes, though, may take a little getting used to. Things are not as they once were, and they never will be so again. It's not just in your personal life that overdue developments are occurring. You have been in an uncomfortable financial situation for too long. Now, even if you're not getting entirely what you might wish for, you are getting the kind of certainty that you can work with constructively.

Why?

The anger has passed. Now the tears have started.

They are flowing like water over a spillway. I can't stop them from sliding down my cheeks. I gasp desperately for breath between my uncontrollable sobs.

I am reliving it all over again.

His betrayal.

The lies.

The deception.

The secrets.

The hurt is unbelievable. I did not think it would hurt this much. But it does.

I can smell the delicious aromas of dinner cooking, but I dare not put food in my mouth. I have been there before and know the consequences.

The bottle is opened and breathing on the bench. I now know what I need to get me through the night and this time I am prepared.

Once again so many unanswered questions, so much pain, so much hurt.

How could you?

What did I do to you?

Why?

How many more?

When I got married I thought my life would be bliss. I married the man that I wanted to spend the rest of my days with, the man that I adored, the man that I never wanted to dream of living without.

And now my days are filled with turmoil of how many more days do I have to live like this?

Hoodwinked

I don't feel loved. I am extremely angry and hurt. I feel very resentful.

I feel like every day is a lie, with Charlie making certain promises that are always unmet. The same pattern of behaviour, only different things this time.

And the same old thing happens.......in a roundabout way I am blamed by Charlie. He has just spat a lot of hurtful comments at me, things that don't even relate to my marriage, about my 'patterns of behaviour' in my life.

Same old story really......"Let's just pass the buck because I am God's gift to women, women love me, there is nothing wrong with me."

One difference is that he no longer believes I have Bipolar disorder because Max our counsellor set him straight about that, so now he thinks he can make me the scape goat with other things.

Yeah that really shows me that he has taken full responsibility. It is my fault, I am the problem. The fact that I am his third wife that he has fucked around on is irrelevant. It is the women in his life that have the problem. Ask his mother because she will tell you too.

He tells me he loves me everyday. He calls me from work everyday. In his eyes I should feel loved. He tells me. I should know he loves me.

But when I look at my marriage now and compare it to 2 years ago nothing has changed. The only thing that has changed is that it appears he is now telling me the truth and is no longer viewing online porn.

WOW! You know that is enough to make anyone feel loved. A phone call every weekday and your husband telling you the truth and not viewing online porn. Those things are enough to make anyone feel loved to the nth degree, isn't it?

Previous times in this relationship I have had to put up with all the promises of "I won't do it again" or "You are the only person I love" and "You mean the world to me" or even "You would destroy me if you left me". So I have listened and trusted and given chance after chance after chance. I have allowed him to remain in my life and he has given me several weeks of 'good' behaviour before he has been found out again.

Same old story here. I have had 'good' behaviour that has roped me back into this relationship. And the same old patterns have emerged.

A few weeks of 'good' behaviour have roped me in, so he stops the 'good' behaviour.

He roped me in with all the romantic nights that he woke me at 2am with burning candles and made love to me by candle light.

He roped me in promising to read certain books that were really important to this relationship and even going out to buy some himself, believing that this relationship would benefit from those books.

He roped me in with a constant stream of text messages he used to send me.

He roped me in by purchasing some gorgeous romantic night scratch cards and fulfilling those ideas.

He roped me in with beautiful little love notes that he used to leave for me.

He roped me in with a couple of wonderful nights out at wonderful restaurants.

He roped me in with wonderful emails and e-cards he used to send me everyday.

He roped me in with wonderful back massages and saying "I should do this more often to you" and even going out and buying body scrubs etc.

He roped me in by purchasing wonderful cards and writing beautiful things in them.

He roped me in by telling me he was going to see a professional person to deal with his issues.

He said and did all the right things. And once again I stupidly fell for those cheap words.

Stupid fucking me. So fucking stupid. Because once again I sit hurt and crushed.

I can't tell you the last time he wrote me something that was meaningful.

I can't tell you the last time he gave me a back massage.

I can't tell you the last time we went out for dinner.

I can't tell you the last time he saw his counsellor (but I can tell you since he came back, 9 months ago, he has seen her 3 times).

I can't tell you the last time he sent me a wonderful email or e-card.

I can't tell you the last time he read any of the books that he was so excited about reading, but I can tell you he has not finished one in its entirety.

I can't tell you the last time he made love to me, not just had sex with me, but kissed me passionately and made love to me.

So once again I fell victim to his charming and charismatic ways. He's sitting pretty now. He believes he has me back, so why on earth would he go out of his way to do anything to make me feel loved? Hell, I'd never leave him, he told me so, so why would he even dream of doing anything that even remotely suggested that I was important to him?

And when I try and raise this with him all I get is "It is only ever important if I don't do it." Well you know what? I don't think he deserves to go to the top of the class for telling me the truth. I don't think he deserves to go to the top of the class for spending a little bit of time with me, such as the 20 minutes last week when we went for a bike ride. I don't think he deserves to go to the top of the class for bringing me flowers home after I have a hissy fit at him because I don't feel loved.

I go over this every few months and he NEVER gets it. I am sick to death of going over it. And everytime I have to go over it it makes me feel more and more angry because he NEVER gets it.

Nothing has changed in this marriage. What I have now is exactly what I had two years ago, before his affair. The only thing that is remotely different is there are a further 2 years of empty words and broken promises.

I feel hoodwinked. It didn't work then so why the fuck would it work now?

So I have asked him to leave and was spat a lot of nasty and hurtful comments. So I guess I will be looking for another house.

All champagne and caviar

My stars for today Thursday 28th June 2007

"Too long lately you have been living in a world made of modelling clay. You keep coming up against propositions that are apparently practical or situations that seem solid. They look right, they give the correct impression, yet when you try to get to grips with them, they turn out to be infuriatingly malleable. Subject them to the slightest pressure and they give way. That's really not what you want and especially from a supposed source of support. Now, though, you are back in a world that is more real and reliable. "

So Jonathon thinks I live in a world of modelling clay. You know what?

I totally agree with him.

From an outsiders perspective my life would appear perfect with a doting husband and father that does so much more than any normal husband.

From an outsiders perspective my life would appear to be grand with many opportunties to attend VIP functions such as grand openings and balls.

From an outsiders perspective my life would appear carefree with no financial problems and fabulous cars, a grand house and annual holidays.

My world......... delicious pastel shades of modelling clay, forming multi faceted shapes that give the nightscape a mystical and magical appearance, a place so appealling that you just want to be a part of it. You could only ever dream of a life like Kate and Charlie's, a fantasy world, a life and relationship that you are truly jealous of. He is every woman's ultimate dream. Why can't you have a man like that?

Oh, how well Charlie has manipulated that clay. How perfect is the sculpture that he has created to fill the sweetly perfumed and perfectly manicured rose garden.
And how wonderful the picture perfect garden looks whilst looking at it through rose coloured glasses.

All it took was one outsider looking in to destroy that rose garden because SHE wanted my life. SHE thought my life was all champagne and caviar. SHE thought she had the right to take from that silver tray. SHE thought she deserved it.

And in the process of sneaking those delicacies from that tray, the infrastructure of my world gave way and became a pile of modelling clay. No longer was it delicately coloured, but one giant ball of grey undefineable material.

My world ........bits and pieces of everything intertwined, a giant ball of nothing.

My world ........a world of false hope and broken promises, a world of anger and bitterness, a world of resentment and harsh words, a world of shattered dreams and feelings of emptiness.

My world ........a world of insecurity and distrust, a world of hate and dissatisfaction, a world of dishonesty and betrayal.

Oh, how well he has manipulated that clay. He has formed new buildings with that clay, new buildings to fill the cityscape once again, new buildings that appear just as appealling as the last lot that filled the sky. New buildings that are enticing, that appear to be apart of a fantasy land once again.

But this time I see the cracks.

It's all in the stars!

My stars for today - Wednesday 27th June 2007

"You have been on a great journey and you're still, to a great extent, going through it. Only now, whether you know it or not, you're in the stage where it all gets resolved, sorted out, cleared up and made good. You're not quite in sight of your destination, but only because the road has one more sharp turn ahead. You're nearer than you think, though, to a phase of clarity, comfort and consistency. The exasperating and exhausting 'fuzzy phase' that you began about a year ago is nearly over."

My stars for yesterday - Tuesday 26th June 2007

"Saturn's exhausting and exasperating opposition to Neptune is over at last. For the best part of a year, you have been under the influence of this intense alignment. There have been breaks in between the most awkward moments, but these have not lasted long. You have been going through a process of confusion and dissolution. As soon as everything is seemingly sorted and settled, it changes again. Now, at last, all is about to fall into its proper place and stay there for as long as you need it to."

But here I am

One of the things that I constantly struggle with is how I am having to rewrite my morals and values.

I always said that I would never stay with someone who cheated on me. But here I am.

I always said that there is never an excuse for cheating. But here I am.

I always said that I will not tolerate lies. But here I am.

I always said that I would not stay in a loveless relationship. But here I am.

These questions pose more questions, and day in and day out I am forced to question the very reason I am here.

Am I here due to habit? Or am I here because of love?

Am I here due to fear of failure? Or am I here because of success?

I don't feel love. I don't feel loved.

So why am I here?

Why am I compromising my morals by staying here? Why am I prepared to rewrite my morals?

What more do I need to give up in order for this marriage to work? I feel I am giving up the very centre of who I am by having to rewrite my morals.

I don't feel I am being fair to me, the inner me, the me that says "This is me", the me that I feel comfortable with.

And I truly resent that.

Little does he know...

I have a question.

I need an answer.

I ask Charlie.

He can't remember.

Little does he know how that one little unanswered question will become such a destructive force.

Like a little drop of snow that has fallen from the highest mountain peak, it will tumble and fall, spinning and spinning over itself, tumbling to the yonder beneath the glorious mountain peaks it has become detached from.

Faster and faster it travels, gathering more momentum, picking up more and more speed and verocity as it spirals out of control down the slippery mountain slope.

Faster and faster, angrier and more vicious, slamming into anything that stands in its way, becoming larger as it speeds down the once glorious slope, until it becomes so destructive that anything in its way becomes its victim.

So that one unanswered question spins around in my mind, gathering momentum and producing more unanswered questions, until I fall flat in a heap from the weight of the single unanswered question that has become a destructive force.

If only that one little unanswered question could be stopped before it gained momentum.

The day that changed my life

We truly had a wonderful few days away. The place we stayed at was simply divine! Charlie picked it himself and kept it as a surprise for me.

I thought we would never reach our romantic getaway. We seemed to just keep driving and driving and driving! But I can assure you when we got there it was so worth it!

We stayed in a resort that overlooked the most sensational mountain range and gorgeous lake. It was actually built into the side of a mountain so you can imagine the views.

Check it out! You can just see the resort in the middle of the photo.

As you can see the views were absolutely amazing! Here is a zoomed in pic of the resort. You can just see the rooms below the reception office between the trees. They are actually built into the mountain so are a little diffcult to see.



To get to our room you had to go through darkened hallways and stairwells. The only light was the fairy lights that covered the ceilings. Because of the lighting level the photos really do not portray how magical it truly was.


We had a self contained studio suite, which was full of luxuries and all the mod cons you could want. The entire width of the suite was glass windows, overlooking the mountains and lake. These pics are the view we had from our suite which were taken from the back deck area of our suite.


On the deck there was a patio setting where Charlie and I sat and ate our breakfast each morning. The sky was constantly filled with little swallows and we watched them in awe as they darted here and there. They are a flitty little bird aren't they? And SO quick!


There was also a spa bath in the studio that overlooked the mountains. Charlie and I had a spa together every night of our romantic getaway. Charlie had packed a box of things before we left and included some of our favourite CD's, DVD's and candles. So we relaxed in the spa, with the suite drenched in flickering candlelight, sipping our red wine and listening to our CD's and watching the stars twinkling in the night sky. It was just gorgeous!


The resort was so private that at no stage did we even close the plantation shutters. We constantly walked around naked and not once did we feel cold! I guess that may have had something to do with the activities ;-) on offer! Or perhaps it was because of the amazing oldstyle logfire that was in the centre of the room.



Not once did we wear our watches, nor did we set an alarm clock. We let the natural light wake us in the morning. Charlie wakes earlier than me, so he gently woke me every morning with sensual kisses which usually led to other activites!

The best part of our escape was that we did absolutely nothing. We stayed at the resort, never venturing to the many tourist attractions nearby.

We played tennis. We went bushwalking. We made love. We layed on the bed and talked. We read a book together. We made love. We ate. We slept. We made love. We played scrabble. We drank wine. We made love.

We truly did have a romantic getaway and the date that changed my life last year, once again changed my life.

Sorry guys

Sorry guys because I have not posted in an eternity!

Charlie took me away for a midweek getaway. It was wonderful!

I will post some pics for you in the next couple of days.

But in the meantime, if you haven't already, jump on over to my former blog, "You're Uninvited" and check out what happened.

I have just been feeling a little flat hence the writers block.

Be back in a couple of days.

Shattered windows of my soul

The last few weeks have been really difficult because of various things that have sent me spiralling downward again. Simple things that to any ordinary person would not be anything of significance, but to me they mark the destruction of my world.

I would never have thought seeing a television interview with the two Tasmanian miners that were trapped underground last year would affect me.

I would never have thought driving past the airport would affect me.

I would never have thought discussing a holiday with my husband would affect me.

But these small things have all had a great impact on me. Emotionally each of these things has crippled me.

Why?

Because each of them in their own way signify the day I found out about my husbands affair, the day my world came crashing down, the day I merely started to exist instead of live, the day the innocence of my marriage was taken from me, the day I went from being a controlled person with focus to being a confused and emotional living blob of flesh and bone.

The feeling of loneliness seems to sit at the back of my throat once more. The feeling of helplessness sits in the pit of stomach once again. The feeling of confusion clouds my mind. The feeling of numbness leaves my body covered in goosebumps.

It's seems like it happened only yesterday, when every window of my soul was left shattered.

But this time I do not cry.

They say each year gets easier. God I hope it does because this is just like reliving it all over again.

I purchased a book......

another book to add to the hundreds I already have.

This book is just a book filled with inspirational quotes.

One quote has particularly struck me this week.

I don't have to attend every argument I am invited to.

I really do not care how the mistress has gained access to my blog posts.

I really do not care that she has refused to move forward with her life.

I really do not care that she holds so much hatred toward Charlie and I.

I really do not care that she remains bitter and twisted.

I really do not care that she stalks me and pounces on my every word.

She no longer controls me at all. She can continue to hack into my emails. She can continue to stalk me. She can continue to spew forth venomous hatred. She can continue to live her life of bitterness.

I do not have to attend, nor do I have to play her game.

I don't want to disappoint...so let's spice it up!

I was thinking today about how desperate the mistress must have been to gain access to my blog. I am not sure how she has gained access but there are several possibilities.

1. One of my readers who has an invite is forwarding her the details of my posts. There are 2 readers with direct connection, but I would have thought both of these readers were more moral and ethical than to undertake this despicable act.

2. She has masqueraded as someone else to get an invitation. However, as some of you know, when I have doubted the request I have put you to a test in order to be issued with an invitation, so I doubt this is the case.

3. She has hacked into my blog. Well she has done this before with my blog and also 2 of my email accounts so it is a strong possibility this is indeed how she has gained access.

It must have driven her absolutely crazy not knowing what was written about her whislt she did not have access to this blog. She was so desperate to see what was written about her that she had to underhandedly gain access to my blog. Poor, poor dear.

She must have been on the outside looking in, thinking about all the horrible things that I had written about her.

You can see it, can't you? The little lost animal going stir crazy with frustration, doing anything in its power to gain control of the situation again.

And how disappointed she must have been once she gained access to this blog because 'Froot Loop in my Shoebox" is not all that juicy, and indeed up until this post there was NOTHING written about her.

So let's spice it up a little! Let's give her sick little mind something to read.

Remember this post?

Well here is the full email. (I have changed nothing apart from anything that may identify any parties)

Enjoy!!!


From: Mistress[mailto:mistress@yahoo.com.au]
Sent: Monday, 5 February 2007 7:24 AM
To: Charlie
Subject: White flag

Dear Charlie,

It's against my better judgement to send you this e-mail. I plead with you not to use it against me legally (I will attempt to word this in such a way that I'm not breaching anything), and that it won't become the subject of a blog.

I'm sorry for the times I contacted you by phone, it was stupid of me. I feel that I must send you this note because of the shit that continues in blogland. I have absolutely no wish to maintain any contact with you whatsoever. I promise you that I am over 'us' and that I am looking ahead and moving forward just like you. I actually hope setting things straight here will help your marriage, if you believe what I say that is.

I have never read the Kissmekate blog, and don't intend to in the future as I understand that it continues to be aimed at me at times. I read your blog back in December, and again this morning. I believe (my friend) has been reading both, but tells me very little, until recently when she thought she should warn me of the crap still going on.

Apparently someone called Melrose Place has been causing trouble. I see one of these comments on your blog today. Melrose Place is an in-house joke here at (my unit complex). One of (my friend) friends started it and I think I blogged about it? Anyway, whoever that commenter is, it's no-one from here. (A neighbour) doesn't even know your blog address (she has a new fella, we don't see much of her), and (another neighbour) isn't on-line anymore. None of my friends would be childish enough to cause trouble in this way.

I just read the last comment directed at me on your blog. Well, I guess it was directed at me, unless you have another Mistress...haha! I swear to you Charlie (and anyone else you choose to share this e-mail with), I didn't leave that wedding ring comment. Actually when I first glanced over it, I thought it was Lara joking that you'd had the ring off to see the tanline???

I also received an email a few weeks ago from (an old school friend). You might remember we caught up at my school reunion and she was leaving comments for a bit on my blog. She's a very religious person and works for (charity organisation). Anyway, she found my email address on (a blogger buddy's) blog after my blog disappeared and my home e-mail bounced and she sent me a new year message. Not sure what happened next, but apparently Kissmekate thought that (old school friend) was me, when (school friend) started a blog. (school friend) had no idea of my dramas over the past months, or the blog wars, or who kissmekate was, and she was pretty upset by the whole thing. She sent me another email and I tried to explain as best I could, and urged her to continue the new blog she had started, but I think she decided against it.

It looks from your blog as though things are going really well for you guys. I really am pleased about that Charlie. Honestly. After everything that has happened it would be so sad if your marriage didn't survive this. I think it will, and I think it will be stronger and better. Especially if you will please accept the truth that it's not me commenting and causing trouble. I am out of your lives, and I wish whoever the smart arse anonymous is would stop keeping me in it. My blog is "no more". I keep it in Invitation mode just so that I can keep the good funny stuff I wrote.

About the housewife dating site. I had a call at work from (my old ISP) in December. There was also a profile set up for me using my old, old email address (the kamps one). I didn't know the address was still active, and (my old ISP) asked me to access it online to see if I needed anything out of it before they canned it. It was full of hundreds of spam e-mails and replies from the housewife site. It wasn't me Charlie. Believe what you will.

OK. I'm nearly done here. I did a few stupid things last year. Things that are totally not part of my normal character. I put it down to 2 things...1. In the words of Evanescence "your voice it chased away all the sanity in me", and 2. the anti-depressants do make a person have an "I don't give a damn" attitude at times.

It took me a while to work out what I could possibly have gained from last year apart from a whole lot of heartache, and financial, mental and emotional ruin.

Well, the best part is that when I hit rock bottom, I generally come back with a bounce. I soon start a new job - one that will solve all of my financial problems. I have stopped taking the Zoloft which means I see my life, and particularly what our relationship was, in a much clearer light that has quelled my heartache. I am currently being wooed by a gorgeous man (his name is Charlie...haha! - he was nearly snubbed on that basis alone) and I am proceeding with extreme caution. Only lunch dates, e-mails and phone calls at present. Why? Because I have learnt that it's not always a good idea to take people at face value.

I'd better go, (my eldest child's) first day of highschool today, and I'm guessing (your child's) first day of school too. It doesn't seem so long ago that (my eldest child) was off to kindy. We both cried! I hope you all have a good day.

Good luck with it all Charlie, to you and your family. I hope your long journey will end in the place you want it to.

Mistress

Let's welcome the Mistress!

Hi Guys,

I have been informed by none other than the Mistress herself that she has somehow gained access to my blog.

Check this out from Charlie's blog. Read the comments from 'pussinboots'.

Let's make her feel warmly welcome!

My Horoscope......how did they know???

May 9, 2007
Phases Of Appreciation
Aquarius Daily Horoscope

Unsettled feelings can plague you today, putting you in an uncomfortable and edgy frame of mind. This can be the result of your having had a recent disagreement with someone you care deeply about, or your unwillingness to give way in an interpersonal conflict with an acquaintance. Your brooding mood will likely have no effect on your situation, however, and the stress you feel can even interfere with your well-being today. Easing your anxiety can be as easy as reminding yourself that your relationships, whatever their nature, will likely change in many appreciable ways over the course of your life and that talking about differences is often the best way to resolve them.

When we recognize and accept that the love we feel for the special people in our lives will wax and wane as time goes by, we can weather challenging periods in our relationships without questioning the strength of the bonds that unite us. Our ability to maintain a positive attitude during periods of interpersonal conflict ensures that we do not feel unduly stressed or strained by the natural rigors that are a part of all emotional partnerships. Our readiness to approach such difficulties rationally instead of allowing our emotions to interfere with our judgment ensures that we, in partnership with the individuals most important to us, are capable of resolving our differences in a focused and effective fashion. When you act constructively instead of brooding in response to personal conflict today, it will no doubt be resolved more quickly and more easily than you might expect.

"Have you ever made anyone crazy?"

Max sat and stared out the window for what seemed to be an eternity but was only a mere few seconds, before turning to Charlie.

He looked at Charlie in utter disbelief and in a soft voice asked him, "Have you ever made anyone crazy?"

Charlie appeared stunned and stuttered in disbelief, searching for words that escaped him. I answered for him and told Max that he had made his first two wives crazy.

Max then proceeded to speak to Charlie, stating that he had already seen first hand the impact of his lies, and yet here he was continuing with the same pattern of behaviour.

Max asked him where he got off in believing that he had the right to retraumatize me with his constant deceit and manipulative behaviours. He also stated that there was no wonder that I was where I was and that he did not know how I managed to stay in the relationship for as long as I had and could not believe I had any energy whatsoever with regard to my marriage.

Charlie, as usual, tried to justify his behaviour.

Firstly Max addressed the call Charlie made to his mother from his mobile.

"So you made an agreement not to call your mother from your mobile and yet you called your mother from your mobile?" asked Max.

"Yes but...." Charlie began.

"No. You had an agreement with your wife not to call your mother from your mobile, and you called her from your mobile?" asked Max.

He then addressed the traffic infringement Charlie received and failed to tell me about it.

"You didn't tell her about the fine?"

Charlie stated that he "told me about it", but Max shut him down stating that it was 3 days later.

"You should have accepted the fine and whilst pulled over called her and told her immediately, none of this hiding it for 3 days!"

Max then addressed the day that Charlie came home early to jump into bed for a cuddle before going to the meeting that he failed to tell me about.

Charlie tried to justify his behaviour because I get so angry about these sort of things, but Max would not hear of it.

Max pointed out to Charlie what he did was pre-meditated, that it hadn't just happened as Charlie tried to make Max believe, but he had planned it with the view to 'buttering me up' before letting me down again. He pointed out to Charlie how manipulative his behaviour truly was and that I had a right to be angry when his manipulative behaviour was discovered.

Charlie once again tried to justify his behaviour and shift the blame to me, telling Max about the recent event where out of pure frustration I hit him.

I am not proud of this incident, not at all. I deeply regret hitting Charlie because nothing justifies domestic violence.......NOTHING. But yes I hit him.

"So you're telling me that this is a domestic violence situation. Correct?" asked Max.

Charlie again stuttered.

I responded. "Yes it is. I hit him. It is a domestic violence situation."

What happened next shocked me.

Max turned to Charlie and said "If this is a violent situation, and you know what sets the violence off, then why do you continue to behave in a way that is sure to inspire a violent reaction?"

Charlie sat and stared at Max sitting in his winged chair across from him, and Max stared back.

"You are the provoker. You are to blame. You continue to lie and use manipulative behaviour to get what you want. You bring the violent outbursts on with your own behaviour."

I couldn't believe what I had just heard. I am responsible for hitting Charlie, but here was a highly regarded relationship coach telling me it was not my fault and that I was indeed provoked. It still does not justify hitting Charlie because no person in ANY relationship should be subjected to violence of any nature, but I felt a sense of relief wash over me, taking with it alot of the guilt I had been carrying.

I sat there in stunned silence. I can't really remember the words that were then spoken between Max and Charlie, because my mind was swimming with my own thoughts.

When I finally came back to reality I tuned in to the conversation and heard Charlie trying to make himself look good again, making statements like "I'm as transparent as I've ever been".

Charlie turned to me and said something. I can't remember what it was but I can certainly remember my reaction to it.

"Until you take responsibility for your actions and your behaviours, then nothing will ever be fixed. Until you take full responsibility for your actions and your behaviours, then nothing will ever change. And I am not at all interested in staying in a marriage that is constant lies and manipulation."

Max said to me "I am glad you said that because at no stage during this appointment have I seen any responsibility taken."

I walked out of that appointment feeling so different to how I felt when I walked in.

I felt amazing.

I felt like a huge weight had lifted from my shoulders.

I felt free.

I felt listened to.

But most of all I finally felt HEARD.

"So he betrayed you again?"

I made the appointment and was really looking forward to it. I saw it as my escape, the only thing that was standing in between me and my freedom from the hell of my marriage.

We went to the appointment in the same car, with Charlie driving. We did not talk. We did not even look at each other.

Charlie started to ask me questions about our relationship. I told him I was not interested in discussing it. He simply replied that he was just trying to get a handle on where my thoughts were. I told him that we would discuss it at our appointment with our counsellor.

When we pulled up Charlie went to the back seat of the car and pulled out an envelope from beneath the seat. I had no idea what it was, nor did I care.

We were greeted at the front door by Max, our counsellor. He is a funny little man, borderline eccentric I think is probably a little far fetched, but I can't quite find the right words to describe him.

He is exceptionally talented in psychology and both Charlie and I have alot of faith in him. Max is semi retired and works 2 half days a week. Your first appointment with Max is where he decides whether or not he wants to work with you. Initially he did not want to work with us because Charlie was not showing enough remorse in his eyes and did not see his wrong doings as such. But, in that same appointment Max had managed to reduce Charlie to tears and made him realise the severity of the issues at hand.

So we got down to business.

Max asked Charlie if what I had said on the phone when I made the appointment was true, that we had to attend another session so I could leave my marriage. Charlie said that he did say that but it was only partially true. Max stated "Well I am glad that that is not the case because I would have sent you out now."

Max also stated that last time he saw us I was in a similar state of distress, so he asked as to how I had managed to hold it together for so long if things had not changed.

Charlie told Max that things were going great since our last appointment and that he had moved back into our house and did not understand why we had gone off the rails and were back where we were.

Charlie told Max that one of the main problems was my belief that Charlie did not spend enough quality time with me. Charlie bent down and produced his folder and a typed list of things we had done together since the beginning of the new year. It was an extensive list and included lots of different places and activities that we had done together. Charlie offered me a copy which I declined.

Max took one, but before reading it clearly stated that if this was not the issue that I perceived as the problem then it did not hold any bearing. Max read it and commented on how extensive the list was.

He then asked me what my take on it was.

I told Max that one of the issues was that he did not spend time with me on a regular basis, but that it was not the main reason I wanted out of my marriage.

I told him about four days in February where Charlie had let me down and gave some examples of why I felt the way I did.

I told him about the phone call Charlie made from his mobile to his mother, despite our agreement that Charlie not call from his mobile, the one where he was pulled over and fined by the police, the phone call that he did not tell me about, and the fine that he hid from me as well.

I told Max about the time he turned up at home after work early because he 'just wanted to be with me'. I told Max how he wanted me to jump into bed with him for a cuddle, and so we did. Nothing more happened, it was just beautiful cuddles with fun giggles, the adorable warm intimate hugs without sex that are simply divine.

I told Max how he suddenly got out of bed and started to get dressed. When I asked Charlie what he was doing he told me he had a meeting to go to. And when I questioned "What meeting?", how Charlie told me he had taken on board another sporting committee membership without discussing this with me.

I told Max about the emails I had found in our shared inbox where he had once again committed to coaching football without telling me.

Max sat there for a short time absorbing the details I had given him, and summed it up perfectly with five words.

"So he betrayed you again?"

I replied "Yes".

"You'll be waiting a long time"

So I returned home after nearly six hours. Charlie was still up and waiting for me to return home.

I didn't know what I was going to walk into. I had no idea what his reaction was going to be, and to be completely honest I didn't care.

I felt free.

I felt cleansed.

I felt at peace.

I simply did not care.

I was fronted with questions as to where I had been and if I was OK. I refused to answer his many questions. It was no longer necessary for me to answer to him about where I had been or who I had been with. I refused to play his games.

It didn't matter where I had been. I needed to escape and I did exactly that.

I was exhausted so I just wanted to go to bed. I had watched the sunset on my marriage and made the decision that I was not returning to my marriage in anyway, and this included sleeping in the same bed as Charlie.

I went to the linen cupboard and grabbed myself a pillow and blanket and set myself up a bed on the lounge in the rumpus room. And I was so totally OK with this. I completely surprised myself with the fact that I was not at all emotional about this in anyway.

Charlie asked me what I was doing. I truthfully replied that I was going to bed. He asked me why I was not getting into our bed, and I told him that I would never sleep in that bed again. He begged me to sleep next to him, but I refused to do so.

He went to the linen cupboard and got himself a blanket and a pillow. He proceeded to lay down on the floor in front of me. I asked him what he was doing and he told me that he just wanted to be next to me.

I told him I did not want him to be in the same room as me.

He picked up his blanket and pillow and moved himself to the family room. He began to set himself up on the cold hard tiles of the family room. I asked him what he was doing and again he stated "I just want to be next to you."

I told him that he could sleep in the bed until such times as he found alternate accommodation for himself, the bed was all his, and that I would never sleep in the same bed as him again.

He told me that he would only get up and go into the bed if I accompanied him to the bedroom.

And with that statement from him I merely replied "You'll be waiting a long time" and rolled over turning my back on him and closing my eyes to sleep.

I was rather shocked at my reaction. Usually his manipulative tactics would have had some form of impact on me, but not this time.

I continued to sleep on that lounge or a matress on the floor. That was my new bed. And every time I tried to discuss Charlie finding a new place to live he just ignored me and told me he would not leave. I hated him and everything he stood for, because in his eyes he still did not see that he did anything wrong.

In desperation I asked him what it was that had to occur for him to realise that the marriage was over. He told me that we would have to be in a 'dark period' for longer than 2 weeks and that we would have to attend another marriage counselling appointment.

Hey, easy enough so I told him to book the appointment.

I just drove

So I left the house. I picked up my keys and left. I had to get away.

I got in my car and left without a word. As tears streamed down my face I drove. I had no idea where I was going or where I would end up.

I just drove.

I can't remember much of my journey apart from the endless stream of tears silently running down my cheeks. I can't remember what I was thinking.

I just drove.

I was on auto pilot, but eventually I pulled my car over and parked. In a dazed state I found myself at a place where I had been before, an extremely sentimental place, a place that held so many wonderful memories.

It was a place I went on one of the happiest days of my life. It was a place where our love and our lifetime commitment to each other was captured on film. It was the place we had chosen to have our wedding photos taken.

I sat in my car and I sobbed. The tears seemed as though they would never end. Every thought I had ran into the next one, my mind a blur of confusion, plagued by constant thoughts and questions.

How could he do this to me...he lied to me....he promised me he wouldn't do it....he lied to me....I thought he loved me....he lied to me.... what did I do to deserve this....he lied to me....when is enough enough....he lied to me....how many more chances am I expected to give him....he lied to me....is he happy now....he lied to me....I can't take this anymore....he lied to me....I have nothing left to give....he lied to me....I hate him.

And as the energy drained from my body and my tears eventually dried, I was able to look around and drink in the beauty that surrounded me.

The distant mountains had a soft blue haze that rose to meet the clouds. The paddocks were a soft green colour after finally receiving some much needed loving rain from the heavens above. The new grass shoots were as soft as the hair on a newborn baby, and the delicious scent from my surroundings was intoxicating.

I extended my face to the sky and drank in my surrounds. I closed my eyes and breathed deeply. I began to feel like a weight was lifting from my shoulders. For the first time in a long time I began to feel at peace.

And as I slowly opened my eyes and came back to reality, I saw a number of kangaroos jumping over to drink from the waterhole just in front of me.

I don't know how long it was that I sat there and watched those kangaroos. It could have been 60 seconds, it could have been 6 minutes, it could have been 60 minutes. I really do not know.

I sat there and watched, without a single thought running through my head, I simply sat and watched. I had no concept of time as I sat there in that field. Time was insignificant.

Eventually the kangaroos jumped away, and as my eyes followed them I experienced a really wierd feeling, one that I cannot explain. I had a strong feeling that I was going to be OK. It was like it was a new beginning for me and everything around me seemed to hold some symbolic meaning.

The kangaroos, the newly sprouted blades of soft grass, the lillies laying on top of the waterhole, the distant mountains, the bare tree shedding bark, the chortling magpies all held some meaning to me and my marriage.

The soft grass symbolised a new beginning. Just like the brown tufts of grass that appeared to be dead that were now turning green and lush from some much needed rain, the person I used to be will return with some loving and nurturing. I will once again bloom, and be the beautiful lily that sits on top of the pond, with deep roots that keep it under control no matter what is being thrown at it. I will once again be in control.

The distant mountains were symbolic of my marriage. It can never be erased, it will always be in the background. Just like those distant mountains, the memories of my marriage will always remain, sometimes covered in haze, other times radiant in the sunshine, sometimes overshadowed by dark and gloomy clouds, other times being nurtured by laughter and happiness.

The kangaroos symbolised my children. Together we would find what it was we needed and together we would get through this. We would find happiness and bask in the sunshine again. We would lay down together and absorb the soft rain drops as they nurture our needs. And we would walk away from this dark period together.

I couldn't help but feel that my life was going to turn for the better, things would fall into place for me, I would find happiness and peace within myself. I did not need Charlie to fulfill my happiness. I would be OK without him. I would create my own happiness, and start living for me.

And as I sat there and watched the beautiful sunset, the huge ball of oranges and pinks, I could not help but think that I had just watched the sunset on my marriage.

And for the first time ever I was totally OK with it.

Today is.....

my wedding anniversary.

Needless to say I am feeling a little flat.

"It was just 30 seconds"

I have an issue with my in-laws. No real problem there I hear you say as it is a very common occurence to have an issue with the good old in-laws, isn't it? There are not many marriages where the daughter-in-law or son-in-law can honestly say "I get on great with my mother/father in law".

The sad fact is I did get on really well with my in-laws pre affair. So why do I have an issue now?

My in-laws decided to support their son in his choice to have an affair behind my back. Not only did they not tell me about it, or feel the need to get their son to tell me the truth, but my dearest mother-in-law willingly entered into an email relationship with the mistress.

One can only guess what those emails were about...."How's the weather over there?" or "I think I will go shopping today" or even "I cooked roast kangaroo with crispy fried maggots last night for dinner". I think not.

But the content really does not matter, because not only did my husband betray me, but the people who have treated me like their daughter that they never had, also betrayed me.

So I am extremely insecure now when it comes to my mother-in-law. I believe my feelings are justified, but I also understand that this woman is my husband's mother, and I would neither expect nor ask for him not to contact his mother.

What I do have an issue with is the contact being behind closed doors, behind my back. At one stage she would SMS Charlie, asking him to text him back if it was OK for her to ring him, meaning is Kate around? Well if that is not a sign of a guilty conscience I don't know what is!

I am certainly not Miss High and Mighty, but I am sorry, I do not find this is appropriate behaviour at all. It is not appropriate to encourage your child to have secrets from their spouse. It is not appropriate to display deceptive behaviour to your child. No normal mother with morals would encourage their children to participate in behaviour like this.

Or am I over reacting? Does this happen in families today?

So I have requested Charlie keep the contact with his mother out in the open. I have asked him not to call her from his mobile, but to call her from the home phone.

We have had many discussions/arguments pertaining to this simple request, but recently it appeared he finally realised how much it meant to me and told me that my request was fair enough and he would not call her again from his mobile.

I felt relieved and comforted that he was listening to me and was prepared to adjust his behaviour in order for me to feel more secure.

Well Charlie once again knocked the air out of my sails when last week I discovered that he had once again called his mother from his mobile. I confronted him with it.

He tried to tell me that he had not called her to which I simply showed him the call that was made to her mobile from his.

He tried to justify it saying that he misdialled his mother's number. I then asked him who he was trying to call because there was no call made from his mobile for over 3 hours after the one to his mother's number. If it was simply a misdial would he not have then called the person he was originally trying to call?

So it appeared that he was well and truly caught.

He tried to justify it by saying "I just needed to call my mum". My argument.....
"you should have called her from the home phone".

He tried to again justify his behaviour with "It was just 30 seconds", to which I responded "It doesn't matter if it was 30 seconds, 30 minutes or 30 hours. You still went back on your word".

He continued to trivialise my feelings and downplay the significance of the situation, telling me that he did not call her and that he did not know how the call appeared on the phone bill. So I asked for his phone.

He willingly handed it over to me and I went to the call logs, to find that all entries had been deleted. How convenient, but of course Charlie did not know how that happened.

For me this whole scenario was like reliving the day he told me of his affair. The lies and betrayal, the deception and great lengths he went to cover his ass all came flooding back to me.

If he was prepared to lie to me about something so trivial then what else is he hiding from me? He tells me he isn't hiding anything, but how on earth can I believe him? Why on earth would I believe him, when he can't even tell me the truth about a simple phone call to his mother?

He does not have room for failure right now. He does not have room to fuck anything up. He should be telling the truth regardless of consequence, proving to me that he wants to change and that he wants this marriage to work.

If he truly loved me he would not lie to me, he would not hide things from me, he would not try and justify his behaviour. He would change the things that cause the problem instead of trying to justify it. He would be taking ownership of his behaviour and admitting his failings, instead of trying to blame me and trivialising my feelings.

I am so pissed off. I believe it is the one that has broken me. I am still furious and I won't back down. I think he has finally worn out his last chance.

I no longer have anything to give.